Mom's At It Again

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

The Song Remains...Confusing

Kashmir by Led Zepplin has always been one of my fave songs, and I probably listen to it once a day. I realized just a few minutes ago, that I really have no idea what they are saying in most of the I whipped out my handy dandy Google, looked up the lyrics, and immediatly had flashbacks to my Junior year Psychology class, where I was made to decipher the meaning of Stairway To Heaven. So tell me, what the mary hell does this damn song mean....

Kashmir - Led Zepplin
Whoa, let the sun beat down upon my face
And stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space
To be where I have been
T' sit with elders of the gentle race
This world has seldom seen
Th' talk of days for which they sit and wait
All will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace
Whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate
The story was quite clear
Whoa-hoh, whoa-wa-oh

Oooh, oh baby, I been flyin'
Lord, yeah, mama, there ain't no denyin'
Oh, oooh yes, I've been flying
Mama, mama, ain't no denyin', no denyin'

Oh, all I see turns to brown
As the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand
As I scan this wasted land
Tryin' to find, tryin' to find where I been

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace
Like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place
Yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon
Will return again
Sure as the dust that floats b'hind you
When movin' through Kashmir

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails
Across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face
'Long the straits of fear
Whaoh, whaoh
Whaoh-oh, oh


Well, when I want, when I'm on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well I'm down, yes
(lots of ooooh's and yeah's from here on out)

What say you, Dr. Frued?

Listening To: Al Green - Sha-La-La (Make Me Happy)

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."

Guess what I learned today. I learned that rabbits love love love to poop! They really do. Cuz pooping is what rabbits do best. I bet you thought it was being cute and wiggling their little noses and hopity hopping around, didn't you? Well it's not...It's pooping! I have been cleaning my house from top to bottom today, and I'm finding rabbit crap in the strangest of places....behind the couch, under the sink, in my closet, in the shower (which I just cleaned yesterday)...and the oddest place of them all, the fireplace! What the hell was the rabbit doing in the damn fireplace?? Maybe he watched that Looney Tunes where Brunhilda the Witch tries to cook Bugs over an open flame...Bunny Science, I guess.
Anyway, yeah so, bunnies poop alot....and I'm not feeding him anymore. At least not until he wiggles his cute little nose at me again.

Listening To: Silk - Freak Me

Friday, June 25, 2004

Mommy Dearest

My mother is insane!!! No really, like certifiable, lock her up, padded cell, make sure she has something to bite on, insane! You don't believe me, right? I have proof...These are snippits from the convo just had with Mommy Dearest...

Crazy Mother: ther you go insulting me again
gruvewthme: lol I love you mommy dearest
Crazy Mother: will you ever forget the mommy dearest
gruvewthme: no
Crazy Mother: i am sorry that i do not allow wire hangers jim liked wire to tell i found them now he no why he should not have them try to hide them from the master
gruvewthme: are you speaking the english
gruvewthme: what the hell did you just say
gruvewthme: me no understandee da mommy speak
Crazy Mother: i am the queen of my domain do not cross over
Crazy Mother: i am totally brain dead it is a good thing that i only have school for 4 hour 3 nights a week
Crazy Mother: you need learn english language

gruvewthme: did you read what you just typed up was no likey wire jim likey stuff and things and bleh me likey
gruvewthme: lol
Crazy Mother: this is a great way from me to get faster at my typing skills dont you think
gruvewthme: oh yeah....speedy indeedy
gruvewthme: now if we could fix your language skills
gruvewthme: lol
Crazy Mother: sorry lost my pointer thing had to find it you crack me up
gruvewthme: lol your pointer that the technical term for a mouse mommy?
Crazy Mother: mouse?

Ok but maybe that isn't enough proof for you...take this one...
Crazy Mother: my front porch light went out while i was gone tonight now it is dark and i am scared
gruvewthme: do you need someone to hold you?
Crazy Mother: nop i need someone to change the light bulb
gruvewthme: that too

Still not convinced???
Crazy Mother: would you do my homework for me
gruvewthme: what are you 12
Crazy Mother: it is on the digestive system
gruvewthme: oh ok
Crazy Mother: i say i have a 18 year old mind carrying around a 49 year old body
gruvewthme: what age are your boobs then's my final attempt...
Crazy Mother: he has not gone pooh in a week so i have a feeling that his kidneys or bowel is not working
gruvewthme: gone pooh, mommy??
Crazy Mother: poop ok i was trying to be nice
gruvewthme: you don't wanna tell me about your animals big steaming wafting pile of crapola??
Crazy Mother: this could be serious for your brother
Crazy Mother: have a heart

gruvewthme: please don't refer to the dog as my brother
gruvewthme: that's just wrong on soooo many levels

Poop indeed...

Thursday, June 24, 2004

To Whom It May Concern...

Dear Dicknose at the 7-11,

I hope you remember me. I was the girl in front of you in line. The one paying for her water and Cosmo. The girl whose ass you couldn't seem to resist touching. I just wanted to thank you for the grope. And for following me home in your beat up 1974 Chevy Nova, and for reminding me again why self defenses classes aren't such a bad idea afterall.
Please also keep this in mind next time you make one of your passes by my apartment. One of my personalities was in Vietnam. And it takes very little for him to present himself if he mistakes the sound of your beater engine for a chopper in Hanoi. When his agent orange starts acting up, the voices in our head tell us to clean our guns...the camaflouged face in the window is his, er mine.

Kindly Fuck Right the Hell Off...
Princess Me

May your underwear turn carniverous and consume your genitals.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

They Talk Alot...Don't They?

You're known for starting trouble. But you play it cool. Besides, no one can resist your sharp eyes and quick wit. *They* eat from the palm of your hand. Though you have weaknesses, which may have deadly consequences, you, are resurrected, as if the gods themselves breathed immortality into you. Posted by Hello


Which Pulp Fiction Character Are You?

Pop My Corn

I dunno what I was just listening to on the Radio...but I swear to heysoos that I just heard a Q-Tipish dude rapping...."Hot Butter on What, Say What the Popcorn"....and he was doing it in this sexay voice. I found myself staring at the radio like it was Rob Lowe at a Geriatric Stripper Convention...Some things just don't seem right, yanno?

Listening To: R Kelly - Ignition Remix

Meowy Wowy

So I'm just wondering...

Is it a bad thing when you turn around and hear your cat and bunny BOTH hissing...and literally see the bunny hair flying off in clumps??? That can't be good right???

Also, I'm wondering who is drinking all my Diet Coke, cuz it is seriously impossible for one human to consume this much liquid in one day.

OH OH OH!!! And I wanna know why the cheap-o flowers I got like two weeks ago, are still alive, but the expensive flowers Mr. Zed bought me died like three days later???

Oh and I couldn't sleep...again.

Listening To: Velvet Revolver - Slither

Marketing Schmarketing

I just got this in email and it made me laugh...I like to spread the I'm off to bed.

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"...That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"...That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."...That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed,"...That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed,"...That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend...That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you...That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"...That's Junk Mail.

Listening To: Alive and Kicking - Tighter and Tighter

Love makes the world go round, heh heh heh...

I did stupid shit yet again on Sunday night...shocker, no? Not like monumental stupid shit, but I said some hurtful things, had my feet for dinner and went to bed feeling like an asshole. Why do I do this shit to myself? Why can't I just pretend to be normal and nice, even when I know it's a lie. Whyyyyyyyy? When I open my mouth, I have a tendency to insert feet...plural. Whatever, I can't go back and undo what I did or said, I just had to move I went home.
Back to Eastern Oregon with Mr. Zed. Land of hicks, and watermelons, family and old friends and good times. I really really needed that kind of love again. I needed the genuine love that you can't buy over the internet, the kind of love that remains for all those years, even when you fuck shit up and eat your feet sometimes. The kind of love that allows you to just be stupid and know that's ok...the kind of love that reminds you that love is all you need *cue Lennon*...With a little help from my friends, and all that jazz.
I got back tonight feeling rejuvenated and happy and ready to just move forward. I think I'm finally outta this slump that I've been in for a long time. I'm finally ready to just move up instead of sideways, or backways or slantways...or however the fuck I've been moving for the past year.
Yes, this was an eye opening trip.

Listening To: Snoop Dogg - Dogg Named Snoop

Saturday, June 19, 2004

He's My Homefry

Gruvewthme: i feel privledged to be able to speak dave
Gruvewthme: lol
ThugWhilin187: u should lol
Gruvewthme: oh I do
Gruvewthme: lol
ThugWhilin187: u even have a pic 2
ThugWhilin187: lol itook 2newpix of my babay 2 nite there great

Gruvewthme: YAY
Gruvewthme: lemme see
ThugWhilin187: cantitwuzntona didicamits onfilm
Gruvewthme: lol you tried to trip me up
ThugWhilin187: nah da space bar dont work right sum times
Gruvewthme: lol
Gruvewthme: ghetto comp
ThugWhilin187: lol

Fer Shizzle...

Listening To: Snoop Dog - Gin and Juice

Aside from this unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.

I just now pulled my arse outta bed. How is it that you go to bed moderately sick, and wake up feeling like someone ran over you with a freight train filled with snot. Holy hell, I feel like ca-ca. My throat is all scratchy and burny, and my nose is making a rather amusing whistling noise when I breathe cuz the opening for the air has been cut significantly smaller with all the mucosy goodness up in there. My stomach is doing the Funky Chicken, my head is four flavors of wonky, and my chest is tight...heh.
It seems like I always always always get a cold at the beginning of summer. It's kind of my heat alarm clock. I don't like the heat and I really don't handle it well. I spend most summers cranky and counting the days until mid-September. It's not even that it gets overly hot here in P-Town, I'm just a spoiled brat and when it gets above about 75, I turn into super-fantastic-whiney-girl. I don't like to sweat, unless I'm excersising or sexing. Same goes with smelling. I don't do either of those things well. The sweating and smelling...not exercising and sexing mind you. I can exercise like a mofo and we won't even go into my sexing abilities, cuz I've won trophies for that shit. Oh what the hell, I'm delerious now...I'm going back to bed.

Listening To: Nivea Ft/ Jagged Edge - Don't Mess With My Man

Friday, June 18, 2004

Welcome To Hell!!!

Holy Creepy Christ on a cracker. It's farking hot today! At least in my apartment. It's like 89 outside, but my apartment obviously has insulation made by NASA, cuz aint no air circulating or even getting in this joint. I have both overhead fans going, and they both make UZI noises, cuz I haven't told the front office they have this little moter problem. Nooooo, I thought, I've got plenty of time before the heat hits. HAH!
I did learn a few things today though...for instance, I can get a new free tattoo when the weather gets this hot! Yes I can!!! I just get in my car, buckle up and instant Ford Logo, right there on my hip. Sexay stuff.
I also learned that I can operate a machine weighing half a ton with just two fingers! I can! More than two fingers results in involuntary steering wheel phalange amputation....
And perhaps you didn't know this, but hot water will now come out BOTH sides of your taps, if you live here in the Portland area. The cold water is actually luke warm, and the water coming outta the Hot side is technically now referred to as FUCKIN A...cuz that's what I screamed when I scorched the crap outta my hand.
I'm stuck inside for the remainder of the day...cuz I couldn't possibly go for a walk, I swear I saw a small animal implode out there....and I can't ride a bike cuz besides not owning one, it's just that if I fall off I don't need to worry bout being run over, I need to be more concerned with being cooked to death on the ground.
Oh, and in case you were wondering....Asphalt does have a liquid state.

Welcome to Fucking Summer....Satan has taken the day off in search of cooler weather, so I'll be filling in....BLAAAAR!!!

Listening To: Vixen - Edge Of A Broken Heart

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

From here you can get an excellent view of my ass

Today I had another adventure with the Ex^2. We, there were six of us, went to the arcade...good times were actually had. However my favorite part of the day was the extensive ass kissing provided by good ol Ex^2. Here's an example...this took place as I was tryin to escape an uncomfortable sitch alone with him:

Asshead: Hey hold up
Princess Me: What
Asshead: This sounded alot better in my head.
Princess Me: Sure. What.
Asshead: I just wanted to say I'm sorry to you, I know I treated you like crap in the past, and you deserved better, and I'm just sorry that we couldn't be together in the long run, blah blah gush gush blah blah....
Princess Me: What was that, I was ignoring you....

Nothing could ruin this day for me. Do you realize I've waited for 10 years for this guy to apologize for hurting me like he did...I somehow thought it would make a difference in my life. And now that he's kissing my ass on an almost daily basis, I realize that I don't give a fairy fart what he feels or if he is sorry. I feel stronger now, and I know now that I have always had control in that relationship, even if I thought that I had given it all up to him.

Listening To: Aimee Mann - You Could Make A Killing

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

How about now, big boy? Do you still wish to penetrate me????

Today was a very interesting day to say the very least. A bunch of oddness gathered into a nice neat little strange eggroll. I got a call from my Ex-Squared yesterday wanting to meet up with me today...hmmmmm I was originally thinking why the hell would I want to do that??? This dude treated me like crapola for 5 years....when I was a freaking teenager, and he wants to see me again now. Then he told me that he was married and his wife would be there what the fuck, a free lunch is a free lunch. I figured it really couldn't hurt that much, and I hate burning my bridges before I've jumped on them and drove over them a few times with a Buick.
So I meet Mr. Ex^2 and his wifey at a resteraunt down the street, he's quiet and reserved and definitely not the same guy I dumped on his ass 10 years ago. I almost...ALMOST liked him. My EX!!! ALMOST!! And I did like his wife...GAH! I was all prepared to kick her in the girl nads if she opened her mouth, and here she was, LIKEABLE!
What happened to the asshole I left??? What happened to the dickhead who couldn't form a complete sentence in one sitting, cuz he always had his head in a bowl of cereal or weed??? And he's holding down two jobs....not one but two! When I was with him, he got fired from McDonalds, Burger King and five years. Now he can hold down two jobs??? WTF!?!?!?!
So in short, today I learned that, when I leave a guy he will become independant, and his IQ will raise a few points, and he'll become ALMOST likeable. I'm really good at dumping men, so yanno if you need any pointers on how to fix your man, lemme know...Oi Vey.

Listening To: Wham! - Careless Whisper

Monday, June 14, 2004

...And I Feel Fiiiiiineeeeeee...

This...this could quite possibly be the funniest thing I've seen all friggin month....go look....End of the World

I think I peed a little...but just a little...

Who wants some Swiss Miss???

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! I just heard on the radio that Courtney Cox and David Arquette had their baby....they named her Coco....Coco Cox!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH That there is a stripper name...BWAHAHAHAHAHA

No really, congrats you two wild and crazy kids...


Thursday, June 10, 2004

Animal Porn

So last night my bunny became quite enamored with Cat....they spent the next five hours chasing each other around my apartment....and humping...Woo for the animal porn....oh and I must mention, they are both male...Woo for the gay animal porn!!!

Posted by Hello

Posted by Hello

Posted by Hello

Listening To: Jay-Z - 99 Problems

Well I'll be fucked...

I posted that last one and it was fixed!!! HOOPAH! Crises averted...but I still have candy.

Bloody Hell

Nice Nifty Neato new layout...yay for me....I am also however an HTML idiot at the moment, and can not for the friggin life of me get my archives and recent posts up at the top of the page where it was to begin with until I thought I would be super-html-weilding girl and play with the coding. GAH!

Hey can help me!! I'll let you!!! I've still got candy!!!!


Wednesday, June 9, 2004

I'm a Kennedy, we don't eat.

What the hell is up with Maria Shriver??? That woman is friggin scary lookin. Arnold looks more feminine than Skeletor over there. But seriously, that woman is pointy!!! You could scratch your back on her!!
They play this promo for's all about the wonders of hellifornia....and how everything is lurrrrrvaly in that piss state...They have rock climbing and surfing, and obviously no food.
I may take up a Feed The Kennedy fund...someone seriously needs to buy that woman a meal...she's the friggin Govna's wife, she should be able to afford some damn popcorn, or something.

*Views expressed about Hellifornia are the express views of the author and don't represent those of any other idiot who likes that shithole state*

Listening To: Whitesnake - Is This Love

Fuck you....and you.

Let me preface this by saying that

1. I have a headache.
2. I have raging PMS.

That being said....I am a sensitive person. I think I volley between being over-sensitive and just sensitive. I feel with everything I have. I love and hate with equal passion. And when somebody hurts me, I hurt with the same intensity.
I had a confrontation of sorts with two seperate people last night....both of which I am still reeling over today. Harsh things were said to me, and it got me thinking that maybe these people are right. I make a fool of myself on a regular basis...I allow people into my life and I allow them to hurt me.
I'm beginning to realize that I let my self worth rely too heavily on what other people think of me. I find ways to escape contanstly so I won't have to look at the real me in the mirror. Be it through alcohol, or sex, or my sarcasm....I don't like to face the problems that I know are living inside me on a daily basis.
I have got to stop allowing people to affect my view of myself...words are just words...and the people who are really close to me...the people that I can really call my friends, know and love me for who I am.
If you don't like ME, you can go fuck yourself with a cactus strap-on. I'm not going to alter myself for people anymore. Take me or leave me...thank you for playing, please drive through.

Listening To: After 7 - Heat Of The Moment

Tuesday, June 8, 2004

God Bless Texas

Texasguy: and im not a misanthrope
Gruvewthme: lol
Gruvewthme: yes you are
Texasguy: no im not
Texasguy: how

Gruvewthme: yes you are...simply cuz you have nooooo idea what a misanthrope is
Texasguy: so
Texasguy: im still not one

Gruvewthme: lmao

Sometimes it's just too easy.

No S'more Jokes

Meet Marshmallow!! He's the newest member of the household...he's soft, and cuddly, and almost as cute as I am....and I get him for the whooooollllllle summer....Me happy! Posted by Hello

Listening To: Christina Millian - Dip It Low

I told you!

And you people thought I was kidding about my stay in the country!!!

Posted by Hello

Bart, The 300 pound ballerina...aint he cute?

Posted by Hello

Listening To: Winger - Headed For A Heartbreak

Monday, June 7, 2004

I'm a race car and you got me in the red.

So tell me...when would you consider it a bad day???

Would it be at 7:45am when your awakened by telemarketers wanting to sell you life insurance for people OVER 65, when you happen to be a young, cute 25 year old??


Would it be at 9:00am when you get outta the house to FINALLY go grocery shopping to fill your house with the much needed food missing to make it a nice place to exsist...spend an hour shopping, put all your shit on the belt, get up to pay, swipe your debit card, and have it be denied?!?!?!?!?! This has ALWAYS been one of my biggest fears. I have money in there, that's not the issue. I called the bank and they said I was trying to use the debit as a credit card, but I know damn well how to use the little swipey machine, and I was doing it right, so whatever.


Would it be when you get out to your car, and start feeling a little queesy from your anti-psycho medicine, cuz you couldn't eat this morning cuz you had no damn food which was why you went to the store at 9 in the am, in the first damn place...and then throw up in the parking lot of Albertsons???


Would it be when you barely make it home cuz your feeling so sick, and step in the front door of you nice spiffy apartment, with no food, and step in a big ol pile of cat shit??

I'm just wondering.

Listening To: Ace - How Long

Sunday, June 6, 2004

If you find my answers frightening, you should cease askin' scary questions

The people who know me are very aware of certain charecteristics of my personality. I'm a smartass, I have a big mouth and I don't mince words. They know this, I know this...shit, my cat friggin knows this. So when people I have known for a year plus, come to me with a problem and ask me for advice on said problem, and I give it to them straight out...why do they get all pissy with me and say that I'm being mean and procede to attempt and make my asshole bigger than it originally was. I like my asshole the size it is at the moment, and I do not need to be ripped a new one. Fuckers.
People that can't handle reality, and face the harsh truth when it is presented to them, make me ill. I know personally, I would rather have someone lay shit on the line, and not feed me the proverbial poo-poo platter. I can handle the truth (insert Jack Nicholson impersonation here), I don't need my stuff sugar coated, because if I ask for someone's opinion, that's exactly what I want. Their OPINION. I don't want them to tell me what they think I want to hear. So I don't understand when other people can't deal with my opinion. Don't mistake my honesty for bitchyness.
Sometimes I wish I had a big ol' piece of wood, so I could start hitting people with my Clue-By-Fourâ„¢.

Listening To: Tupac - Broken Wings

Saturday, June 5, 2004

We should have shotguns for this

I'm home. Thank the almighty whoever! What a portion of it got shortened to just one night, which is good cuz I don't think I coulda handled one more story from the backwater hicks. However, hicks can be funny in their own cute little gimpy way. I'll make a little listy goodness of things I saw/did in the course of 18 hours in the country.

~ A trailor home with a hot tub
~ A 6'5", 300 pound man named Bart wearing a Tutu and tiara
~ Same 300 pound man frolicking with cows in the tutu and tiara
~ A very drunk female lassy, passed out on the deck
~ A 60ish year old couple dancing to Kid Rock in the rain
~ Quote of the night "They made me drink alot and then fed me chicken!"
~ Heavy petting with a married woman...not what you think, pervs.
~ Being told I was the "life of the party" 29,929,827,982,729.3 times

I could go on, but I'll leave it at that. I think the most powerful revelation I had last night was that tequilla is NOT my friend. It makes me do things that a rational drunk would not normally do. It makes me say things that a good girl should never say. I do not want to be invited to anymore of Mr. Tequilla's functions...thanks but no, I will not be fraternizing with you anymore.

We should have shotguns for this

I'm home. Thank the almighty whoever! What a portion of it got shortened to just one night, which is good cuz I don't think I coulda handled one more story from the backwater hicks. However, hicks can be funny in their own cute little gimpy way. I'll make a little listy goodness of things I saw/did in the course of 18 hours in the country.

~ A trailor home with a hot tub
~ A 6'5", 300 pound man named Bart wearing a Tutu and tiara
~ Same 300 pound man frolicking with cows in the tutu and tiara
~ A married man sitting in 'my wetspot' and then smelling his fingers
~ A very drunk female lassy, passed out on the deck
~ A 60ish year old couple dancing to Kid Rock in the rain
~ Quote of the night "They made me drink alot and then fed me chicken!"
~ Heavy petting with a married woman
~ Using my boobies as weapons
~ Being told I was the "life of the party" 29,929,827,982,729.3 times

I could go on, but I'll leave it at that. I think the most powerful revelation I had last night was that tequilla is NOT my friend. It makes me do things that a rational drunk would not normally do. It makes me say things that a good girl should never say to married people. I do not want to be invited to anymore of Mr. Tequilla's functions...thanks but no, I will not be fraternizing with you anymore.

Friday, June 4, 2004

Is anybody out there?!?!?!?!

Why can't we go here again?!?!?!?! C'mon it's beeeeeutiful downtown Seattle....C'mon guys...c'mon....guys?? guys??? Shit. Posted by Hello

Chips, Dips, Dorks and Irocs

OK people...pray for me. I'm going outta town for three days with Mr. Zed to a gathering of Camaro owners up in Fuckit, Washington...Three days. With Irocs. NO INTERNET!!!! Oh just kill me now. If I come back with a mullet and wearing a Def Leppard shirt, you'll know they have assimilated me and I'm now part of the Camaro Borg. Oh shitwads it's happening already...Star Trek references....*dies*

Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Get the hose!

Just when I thought my night was doomed to be one of the most boring in my young life, I hear this on the other end of the phone....

"OH SHIT! My box is on fire!!!"

She should really have that checked...

Listening To: Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You

Eleventy Million

I noticed today that the Megabucks jackpot is worth 5.2 million dollars...I may buy a lottery ticket. Think of all the cool things I could do with that much money....

~ Use the money to buy Canada.

~ Find a cure for AIDS, or at least develop a treatment for hemorrhoids that doesn't require you to jam a bunch of cream up your rectum.

~ Live Ted Nugent's dream: buy the Muzak Corporation and then fold the company so no one will be subjected to annoying background music in elevators or doctor's offices.

~ Pay Aerosmith to never make another album again.

~ Purchase large tracks of land in China and then donate them to Tibet.

~ Buy up every television satellite in orbit and then shoot them out of the sky.

~ Take out a contract on the creator of The Sopranos.

~ Donate the money to British Parliament with the stipulation it must be used for a national cosmetic dental plan.

~ Buy Jack Nicholson a decent script. (see About Schmidt)

~ Buy the Vatican and turn it into a sexual therapy clinic.

~ Pay Ozzy Osbourne to go back on drugs and alcohol so he can make some decent music again.

~ Buy up every copy of Magnolia so no one will ever have to be subjected to that movie again.

~ Better yet, buy up every copy of every Tom Cruise movie so no one will have to be subjected to him again.

~ Pay Larry King to just die already.

~ Buy out the four major television networks and broadcast nothing but spanish-language game shows from Telemundo or Univision all day.

Imagine the possibilities....

Listening To: ABC - Be Near Me

Tuesday, June 1, 2004

About Schmidt...

So late last night after a long attempt at sleep, I finally cozied up in bed with my pj's on, my teddy bear in my lap (shaddup), my covers pulled up high, and decided to get a movie On Demand. That being said I wanted something more on the dramatic side, seeing as I was pissy from the lack of sleep and was in no mood for laughter. I see About Schmidt listed, and think to myself, "Self, this is a good choice, Nicholson, Bates, how could we go wrong?" I later choked and regurgitated my words.
This was hands down one of the most boring flicks I've seen in the last year. WTF were these people doing?!?!?! By the end of the movie I was thinking, "Why did I watch this movie again?" Then I proceeded to kick my own ass for believing the reviews and getting the movie on merit. I should have learned after 'The Life of David Gale' got horrible reviews, and that was one of the most moving flicks I've seen to date...oh yeah Fuck you, Ebert.
First we'll start with the actress who portrayed Schmidt's daughter...played by Hope Davis. I don't remember if there has been a more contrite, masogonistic waste of space whore, as the character she portrayed, Jeannie Schmidt. Bitch doesn't even begin to describe 'Jeannie'. There is one scene in particular ~SPOILER ALERT~ where Schmidt is on the road, driving to see Jeannie for her wedding....roadtripping it from Omaha to Denver. He plans to surprise her, and calls her halfway through to let her know he's on the way, and she responds with a hearty FUCK NO...well ok she said something to the effect of...."ummmm uhhhhhh ummmmmm not such a good plan, pa." GAHHHH! At this point in the movie I was wishing my T. Bear was made of lead so I could crash it through the TV screen and obliterate this whiney cunt.
Moving on to Kathy Bates. By far, she was the ONE redeeming factor in this flick for me. She was crass, and rude, and I lovied her! Her character Roberta was the mother of Schmidt's future son-in-law. I really have nothing bad to say bout her performance, and I give Ms. Bates serious props for dropping trou and showing the world her naughty bits. I love me a ballsy chica!
Schmidt. Warren Schmidt. UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHGHG!!!! Let me preface this rant by saying that Jack Nicholson is one of my fave actors...he's brilliant in my opinion, but I'm pretty sure when he received this script he had forgotten to pay his brain bill. I can think of no other reason why he woulda taken such vapid crap. The character of Schmidt has no depth whatsoever. At all. None. Zilch. get the idea. His character reminded me of a confused six year old with absolutely no concept of how the real world works. Jacky, how you gonna play me like this!
I won't even go into how Dermot Mulroony had grey hair and made me feel older than Moses, or how through the entire movie I kept asking myself....heyyyyy is the priest that judge from Night Court?
Avoid this movie like the plague...if you choose to see it anyway, consider yourself warned.

Listening To: Todd Rundgren - Hello It's Me