Mom's At It Again

Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Eleventy Million

I noticed today that the Megabucks jackpot is worth 5.2 million dollars...I may buy a lottery ticket. Think of all the cool things I could do with that much money....

~ Use the money to buy Canada.

~ Find a cure for AIDS, or at least develop a treatment for hemorrhoids that doesn't require you to jam a bunch of cream up your rectum.

~ Live Ted Nugent's dream: buy the Muzak Corporation and then fold the company so no one will be subjected to annoying background music in elevators or doctor's offices.

~ Pay Aerosmith to never make another album again.

~ Purchase large tracks of land in China and then donate them to Tibet.

~ Buy up every television satellite in orbit and then shoot them out of the sky.

~ Take out a contract on the creator of The Sopranos.

~ Donate the money to British Parliament with the stipulation it must be used for a national cosmetic dental plan.

~ Buy Jack Nicholson a decent script. (see About Schmidt)

~ Buy the Vatican and turn it into a sexual therapy clinic.

~ Pay Ozzy Osbourne to go back on drugs and alcohol so he can make some decent music again.

~ Buy up every copy of Magnolia so no one will ever have to be subjected to that movie again.

~ Better yet, buy up every copy of every Tom Cruise movie so no one will have to be subjected to him again.

~ Pay Larry King to just die already.

~ Buy out the four major television networks and broadcast nothing but spanish-language game shows from Telemundo or Univision all day.

Imagine the possibilities....

Listening To: ABC - Be Near Me


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