The Last Five in Review

Oh yeah, I have a blog. I kind of forgot to post. I've been soooo busy the last few days. Working mostly, over the weekend, but lots of family time happening here, people. Really. Friday was the last day I posted so, let's see...

Saturday - We took the girls to see the Harlem Globetrotters at the Rose Garden. Good times.

Sunday - Working. Working....working. OH! And working.

Monday - I forget. Oh yeah, Liz (12 year old) had her friend over and they became headbangers while driving me batshit playing Fall Out Boy...I have evidence:

Tuesday - I took pictures of my finger for all you gross people out there who want to see it...and worked....and talked to peopleon the phone...It's gross...scroll fast if you don't want to see it. It's healing, but still gross. That's my medical opinion.

Wayne and Garth Extreeeeeeeeeme Close Up

Today - Went to eleventy million places to try and catch up on errands which I'm now having to do on the bus because my dog gamn car got stolen. People suck. Now I've got some mundane work to do around the house and dinner to finish, and homework to help with, and 12 year old drama's to solve, and phone calls to make and other stuff that is too boring to comprehend so I give you a cute picture of my Gizmo who got his head stuck in the man's ice cream container last night.

Now go read somebody interesting.

Go.

Led Zepplin - The Song Remains The Same

To Spite My Face

Quick finger update: Spent four hours at the docs today getting my finger rechecked and rewrapped and crying because they kept sticking sharp pointy things in it to "clean" it out. Doc says it's looking good and healing fine...this was of course after he told me that my injury would be perfect for Halloween, and that it would work great at scaring the children. I love my doctor. Really. I'd post an updated picture...but dude. It's just gross.

Now on to what I was actually going to post about....

I was playing with my girls and their Play-doh for the last hourish before their bedtime, which was at 9 tonight...We made little Doh people and little Doh pizza's and I even made a little Doh stud guy that looked like he belonged on a little Doh smut novel, that I had to quickly destroy when I saw my girls come back in the room...eh hem...

So ANYWAY....

Ummmmm...I think I seriously may need to hurl. I can't get the smell out of my clothes, hands, nose, mouth, any of my orafices. I think it's permeated my skin and I'll need to take a crack head shower to get all the Play-doh bugs off me. I cant get it out.

I've attempted all the soaps in the house, the sponges, dish brushes, washcloths and even some bleach...nothing is getting it out.

What the hell is this smell? I can't think of any chemicals, that when formulated just so, would make this god awful stench. I don't remember the Doh smelling like this when I was a kid. What the in the name of heysoos do they make this crap out of now? Horse shit and formaldehyde?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAG!

Help. Me.

Gin Blossoms - Follow You Down

I'm Bored...and Still Pissy...So I Take Quizes

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. agnosticism 96% Satanism 71% Buddhism 58% Judaism 58% atheism 54% Islam 42% Paganism 38% Hinduism 29% Christianity 17% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

I spose it means I'm going to hell on a luge cuz I giggle when I see that Satanism is second? Like, being a worshiper of the dark overlord is just a hop, skip and a jump from agnostic. One minute your questioning the exsistence of a higher power, and before you know it, the night time is the right time.

Where's my black hood?

Jackson Browne - Somebody's Baby

The One Where Paris Makes A Point

Can someone please explain to Paris Hilton that we don't want to see her anymore? Like, ever. She doesn't doooooo anything...and yet she remains famous. Good gravy that girl is annoying. And sharp. I'm fairly certain she'd injure anyone she bumps into. You could scratch your back on her. The woman is all edges.

We should, as an American public get to inflict her with the pain of her own fame. Let's pipe that ghastly Stars Are Blind song into every room in every Hilton hotel everywhere until they go bankrupt...and force her to watch reruns of The Simple Life, Clockwork Orange style. And while we're at it, could somebody please edit her out of that scene in Wonderland where they are on the yacht....I'm trying to drool over Val Kilmer, mmmk thanks.

P.S.
My finger hurts and I'm in a piss mood...can ya tell?

Juvenile - Back That Ass Up (word)

It's Ok....It's Low Carb

First I want to thank everybody again for all the kind get well thoughts and emails I do appreciate it. I'm feeling a little better, my finger still hurts like hell, but that's to be expected since I sliced it in half. Also, because I'm just that desperate, and because Eric gave me the idea, I've added a donate button over there on my sidebar...If you feel like you want to help a girl out, and get her to the Police, press the little button. Anyone who does donate, even if it's a buck (because a buck is a buck), will be entered into a constest for a freebie design by me.

Now on to my actual post...I keep seeing these fast food commercials and hearing them on the radio for these healthy options at these places. I love how people justify eating gallons of shit. All these fast food companies that market shit food to health conscious people by saying it's low-carb...McDonalds has a low carb menu, so does Wendy's and KFC. KFC. I have a particular bone to pick with these people that think this food is healthy...c'mon, anything with a "special skin" can't be healthy for you....just look at their founder guy. Col. Sanders...the dude has a beer belly hanging over his size 48 pants.

Anyway, getting back on track...you can't say that suddenly this fried piece of trans-fat crap that you've been eating since you were a kid is now good for you because it only has 12 grams of carbs and 45 grams of protein. It's complete bullshit. Fast food is fast food...it's fast for a reason. If you want healthy, swing into the store and buy some salad instead of flipping through the drive thru for a Big-Mac.

And yes, Subway is fastfood...and No, I don't buy the Jarod story. You know how he lost all that weight? His family owned a Subway store, and he lived out in the boonie's and decided to walk like eleventy million miles round trip to work at his parents Subway everyday. He didn't loose a dumptruck worth of weight by eating Subway food. He lost it by getting off his sedentary ass and excersising. I know if I lived off of fast food (Subway or anything else) 24/7 you'd need to grease up the door frames to squeeze me through. I'm not quite sure who the nimrod was who came up with this brilliant idea...this "healthy" fast food craze, but I'm sure it'll come back to bite them squarely in the ass when people are suing them over 200 pound weight gains and not over how hot their coffee is.

Rene And Angela - I'll Be Good

Amusing Yourself For People Who Chop Their Own Finger Off

My finger hurts and I can't type for shit....so instead we meme...at least it get's those grody pictures away from the top post. Ok, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod) and put in ALL of your music...yes, that means even all your closeted Bee Gee's and Leif Garret tunes.
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. New question - press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool
7. Tag five people who adore you muchly and want to amuse you while you sit in finger agony to do this too.

Opening Credits: Runaround Sue - Dion

Waking Up: We've Got Something In Common - Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown

First Day At School: O-o-oh Child - Five Stairsteps

Falling In Love: Come Go With Me - Expose'

Breaking Up: Saving Forever For You - Shanice

Prom: I'd Really Love To See You Tonight - England Dan and John Ford Coley

Life's Okay: Good Intentions - Toad The Wet Sprocket

Mental Breakdown: China Grove - Doobie Brothers

Driving: Jungle Fever - The Chakachas

Flashback: Girlfriend - Pebbles

Getting Back Together: Fooled Around And Fell In Love - Elvin Bishop

Wedding: Don't Make Me Over - Dionne Warwick

Birth Of Child: You're My Angel - Aerosmith

Final Battle: We Got Our Own Thang - Heavy D

Death Scene: Lunatic Fringe - Red Rider

Funeral Song: Let My Love Open The Door - Pete Townshend

End Credits: Fire - Ohio Players

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had so much fun I'm doing it twice...so nyeah

Opening Credits: Constant Craving - KD Lang

Waking Up: She's Like The Wind - Patrick Swayze

First Day At School: If I'm Not Your Lover - Al B Sure (Yeah, not so fitting here)

Falling In Love: Cream - Prince

Breaking Up: Teenage Wasteland - The Who

Prom: Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

Life's Okay: Stone Love - Kool & The Gang

Mental Breakdown: Telefone (Long Distance Love Affair) - Sheena Easton

Driving: I Need You - America

Flashback: I'm Free - Jon Secada

Getting Back Together: Jump - Van Halen

Wedding: Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode

Birth Of Child: Just Got Paid - Johnny Kemp

Final Battle: I'm A Believer - The Monkees

Death Scene: Changes - David Bowie

Funeral Song: The Lucky One - Laura Branigan

End Credits: Fire - Pointer Sisters

I find it funny that both my end credit songs are Fire...and my number one fear is to die in a fire. Creepy dude. Which version do you like better? I'm thinking I like the first one.

Mmmk now I tag:

Ro
Peggy
Janet
S@m
Alex

Good News and Bad News

The good news is the man bought me the beeeeeeeeeeeutiful flowers for Valentines Day. Aren't you jealous?

Now for the bad news. I almost chopped my finger off tonight cutting through a tomato for my daughter. I have these things call Hemiplagic Migraines. Basically it means that I get paralasis on the right side of my body when the migraine comes on. This happened to occur right as as I was making an incision in the mater...I just walked in the door from the ER....and well...don't look if you're squeemish...I'll show you the "after" first.



Seven damn stitches for a fucking mater.



Don't look below if you don't like the site of blood, or my finger guts.


Needless to say I'll be taking a couple days off designing...Ro and Peg you have emails comeing from me tomorrow, giving you the juicy details.

I'm not leaving my bed for at least three days.

Thanks again to all of you who are sending me good thoughts...but could we maybe try some kind of tribal dance instead? The thought don't seem to be working. Mmmmk, thanks.

UPDATE (11:36 PM)

My sutures fell out and I had to spend another fourty gabillion hours at the ER...this time they can't resuture it and I just get to bleed. Seriously people, I've been bleeding profusely for like 9 hours...At least Kaiser was nice enough to give me this nice handy dandy splint that I can't design with. I love them for that one.

I look like I have a smurf penis for a finger.

I Refuse To Dwell

I won't. I can see the bright side in all of this...see the me of a year ago would have found solice in her good friend Jack Daniels and called it good. This me...naw. Why, just look at all this good stuff that's come from it:

1. My car was stolen...I no longer have $500 in car payment and insurance every month.
2.The uncle fuckers stole $100 in brand spanking new CD's....but I can steal borrow them from the internet.
3. My car was slowly...ok quickly falling apart. They can have it. One less thing for me to worry about.
4. I now have to walk places. My ass is thanking me
5. I'm not smoking as much, cuz I gotta like WALK to get them. We don't walk in Portland.
6. I got to break out my pepper spray can. Watch out bitches.
7 I broke my foot...which means I get to wear this nifty cast thingie for three weeks:

Moment Of Silence Please

I'm crying a little.

Thank you to everyone who sent me good thoughts. Keep them coming...I'm gonna need them. I lurva ya all.

Bad BAD BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD Week

1. My car was stolen. Right out of my carport. Gone. No signs of it, we didn't hear anything...just gone.

2. The man got demoted at work because he isn't "clicking" with other management. BULLSHIT. This is just one more way they can fuck him over. I can't count the number of times he's saved their asses....he hasn't called in sick or missed one day in the seven years he's been with the friggin company. Fuckers. At least now he's motivated to get something else.

3. Rent is late. Very late, and I'm not seeing me having the money to pay it any time soon.

4. Why you ask? Because my bank charged me three...count them THREE mother fucking times for my insurance...and now, we are in the hole. Which means my rent money is sitting in limbo until they figure out the "problem".

5. My car was GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING STOLEN!

I hate life this week. If I drank, I'd be in need of some kind of triple...keep em comin.

Instead I'm going to scream and bang my head against the wall and try to figure out how I'm supposed to pull $400 out my ass by Monday.

I may be out of touch for a few days until I get things sorted out...or the money fairy drops off a gift and saves my ass.

Warping Their Fragile Little Minds

My youngest daughter (9) is a HUGE Taylor Hicks fan. Her side of the bedroom looks like a mini shrine. I took my girls to see the Idols on tour from last season a few months ago, and she cried when Taylor came on. It was the sweetest thing. Taylor's CD has been on constant rotation in this joint, and I've gotta be honest...with the exception of a couple songs, it's not the greatest. No wait, let me rephrase, I'm guessing I probably could have ate a blank CD and puked a better piece of music. I'm just sayin...All that aside, I fear I have warped the child for life.

Ya see, the child loves the song Taking It To The Streets...Taylors version. And while I think he did a pretty good version of it. He's no Doobie.

Just now, I was listening to the original version and the child asked me who it was singing Taylors song. I told her it wasn't Taylor's song originally, that it was the Doobie Brothers. To which she said...

"Taylor could eat the Poopie Brothers lunch for them"

In hindsite, I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have been watching Wallstreet while the girls were awake?

That's all I need a Mini Gordon Gekko with bad taste in music.

A Good Night To Suggest Take-Out

My husband thought it was really funny to hang this comic on my fridge...I wonder if he's trying to drop me a hint?

If I can get half my hair brushed in a day, I consider that productivity.

In other news...the Superbowl halftime show is on...Prince could suck start a Buick. Good lord, somebody shut him up.

In other other news...I hate the Superbowl.

Santa Esmeralda - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

Dear SUV Owner at the Interstate Kaiser,

I understand you're cautious. You've got all 14 of your soccer playing all-stars in the vehicle with you. I have kids, I understand your caution. However, if this little Camaro can go over those miniscule speed bumps at regular speeds than surely your Urban Assault Vehicle doesn't need to slow down to -15 to make it over. I had no way around you, and you must have seen me following you for four rows of cars, I was the one blaring Iggy Pop and calling you a Road Whore while setting off all the car alarms with my roaring V6.

I'm not sure if you are aware, but that is in fact an SUV you're driving. The Escalade, when not involved in big pimpin', can be considered an SUV. Said SUV stands for "Sport Utility Vehicle" insinuating that the vehicle has a few sport capabilities...and surely this speed bump doesn't pose you or your cookie cutter children, any harm. Your SUV is made to take a bit more than my average car.

So, next time you see someone like me, blaring the Iggy, and screaming obscenities in your general direction, don't pretend like you don't see me, just hit the long pedal on the right, you ignorant, space sucking, spoiled, insipid twat of a soccer mom.

With all my hatred,
Princess Me

P.S.
You're honor student knocked up the prom queen.

Doesn't Play Well With Other Browsers

I'm sick...I'm easily amused. Well, no, I'm always easily amused, but this commercial cracks my ass up.

My To-Don't List

Things I don't want to do today:

1. Laundry
2. Pick up the child from school
3. Go to the store and buy groceries.
4. Get out of my PJ's.

Things I must do today or the world will end:

1. Laundry
2. Pick up the child from school
3. Go to the store and buy groceries.
4. Get out of my PJ's.

Other bothersome things of note:

1. Trying to breathe.
2. Coughing
3. Trying to breathe
4. Blowing my nose.
5. Everything else.

I would much rather curl up on the couch and watch daytime tv while a hunky cabana boy named Raul brings me juice and soup and rubs my feet...but again, there is all that aforementioned crap to get done.

I better stop being sick soon, or my blog will turn into Zed's Death By Boredom..

I have a new renter...go check her out on the sidebar. She rocks muchly and she loves me. She told me so. I'd love her back twice if she brought me soup and juice.

And changed her name to Raul.

I'm going to start my To-Do List from hell now.

Thu Buckinghams - Kind Of A Drag

Got a Rhyme...

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down...
And I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE MY MOTHER EFFING HEAD IS ERUPTING AND FULL OF MUCOUS AND SNOT.

And now for my encore, I shall blow my nose while simultaneously coughing up a lung....

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

If I were feeling better, I would remove my ass from this chair and put in a good 80's movie...but eh. The DVD's are wayyyyyyyyyy over there, and me and my blanket are here. Bah..

Kill me now.

The man gets off work in an hour...he'll bring me the Tussin and all will be ok...until then, I mope.

I Now Pronounce You Foamed

What the hell is this all about? Seriously, what are these people thinking?

I just saw a story in this local newspaper about this wedding party that held a Foam Reception. Uhhhhhh. I've never even heard of these things until today. What the hell is this, and have you ever heard of such a vile idea?

Maybe it's just me, but this seems a lot on the gross side. Wallowing around in a bunch of greasy suds with strangers...ew. I don't like taking bubble baths with intoxicated weirdo's. And imagine where this stuff gets....your clothes, your eyes, not to mention all your holiest of holy's. It seems a bit dangerous..., do people wear any kind of protective gear to these things...shower caps? I know if I were an attendee I'd need to coat my ass in Charmin, cuz aint no way I'd be able to stand in that shit. Especially if you're adding alcohol to the mix. Would you need to shower before going to the reception? If the reception is all about getting Zestfully clean, do people really need to clean themselves up beforehand? What about communicable diseases? STD's? UTI's? VD? Surely Disease Control would need to be present. And is it like the public pool...don't stand in the warm spot? Do people just relieve themselves in the stuff? And what about the areas not covered in foam, do they put down some kind of non slip surface or do people just wander around all sudsy and dripping so the people that following them slip and fall and break their ass...And what if someone grabs my ass under all the foam, how would I know who to kick in the balls? And what about the smokers? How do you nix your jones in all that foam?

Needless to say I would not be RSVPing to this reception. Have a happy life, do your thing, but don't expect me to soak in it.

Danger Danger - Naughty Naughty