Dear SUV Owner at the Interstate Kaiser,

I understand you're cautious. You've got all 14 of your soccer playing all-stars in the vehicle with you. I have kids, I understand your caution. However, if this little Camaro can go over those miniscule speed bumps at regular speeds than surely your Urban Assault Vehicle doesn't need to slow down to -15 to make it over. I had no way around you, and you must have seen me following you for four rows of cars, I was the one blaring Iggy Pop and calling you a Road Whore while setting off all the car alarms with my roaring V6.

I'm not sure if you are aware, but that is in fact an SUV you're driving. The Escalade, when not involved in big pimpin', can be considered an SUV. Said SUV stands for "Sport Utility Vehicle" insinuating that the vehicle has a few sport capabilities...and surely this speed bump doesn't pose you or your cookie cutter children, any harm. Your SUV is made to take a bit more than my average car.

So, next time you see someone like me, blaring the Iggy, and screaming obscenities in your general direction, don't pretend like you don't see me, just hit the long pedal on the right, you ignorant, space sucking, spoiled, insipid twat of a soccer mom.

With all my hatred,
Princess Me

P.S.
You're honor student knocked up the prom queen.