Fun With Babies!

I was debating writing some kind of big Woop-Di-Freakin-Do post about what I've been up to for the past couple months, but I decided against it...mainly because alot of it is depressing and rehashing it might involve my sobbing like a baby. If I cry, you'll cry...it'll be anarchy. So instead of focusing on the past, we're focusing on the future. But if you wanna ask me anything feel free...just know I'll probably cry and tell you how much I miss Portland summers, cuz holy fuckballs Idaho is HOT.

Instead we'll make fun of stupid shit as usual...so now for your point and laugh enjoyment...we'll take a look at the stupidest products for babies.

10. The baby toupee.

This is not cute. Dressing your baby up as Donald Trump so you can impress all your rich fuckface friends....it looks like the kid is doing exactly what I would do if someone put that ferritt on my head. Take a shit.

9. Bubba Teeth

Again...not cute. Hahahaha and all that. Even the babies from Arkansas are grimacing at this one. Afterall, nobody wants to look like Uncle Slim. It seems like you're setting the child up for failure with these things. The poor kid will be halfway through grade school, making lots of friends, being a great student and then some shithead will bring out the baby book at Christmas and shout for everyone to "Come see Little Jimmy with this Bubba Teef! He looks just like Uncle Slim!" Everyone will look, laugh, and start calling the child Slim Jim, which will spur the childs obsession with Cockfights, monster truck racing and Irocs....and another one bites the dust.

8. The Moffii Cradle

Fifty bucks says this company is out of business in a year. What in the hell is that thing?! I wouldn't have put my kid in something like that. It looks like something out of the movie Alien.

7. Men breastfeeding devices.

Ew. Stop it. Don't do this. I'm sure it's hard enough being a baby and learning the world for the first time without putting a big fake boob on daddy. There are lots of other ways for Dad and Baby to bond. Have pops take junior fishing, or read the kid Playboy....like my dad did. I turned out fine. Shut up.

6. The baby leash

These things ALWAYS piss me off. Dude. If you have such a hard time keeping an eye on your kid that you need to put a leash on him, perhaps you aren't the prime candidate for reproduction? Just my opinion.

5. Baby subliminal programming

Perfect for creating the next generation of Stepford babies. Of course these things would kick ass if we ever decide that we want to create a new Baby Borg.

4. The baby bucket

This baby looks scared to death...He probably knows after his "bath", mommy's gonna put him back in the "drawer" for his nap. Maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking that suspending a baby by their head while you jam your hands down there to "wash" the baby is not your best option...what the fuck? Babies are slippery little suckers, but I haven't lost one yet. This thing is just ridiculous. Put a towel in the tub like normal people...the kid isn't going anywhere.

3. The baby vaccuum

This is almost a good idea. The baby can ride on the vaccuum while you push it...or you can just use it by yourself. I'm all for the child labor..but I keep getting this impression of the kid sucking up small animals or having the damn machine go from suck to blow and whisking the child off to Namibia.

2. The thud guard

Come the fuck on. Even the child understands the repercussions of this helmet. Good lord. The poor thing is going to grow up thinking she's "special". And not in the "your a savant" kind of way...in the Corky from Life Goes On kind of way.

1. Baby bathroom holder

Whose brainchild is this contraption. Yeah! Let's invent something that hangs your child on the back of a disgustingly dirty bathroom stall door! Great idea! Ugh...if you are so concerned for your childs safety that you hang him on the back of a public restroom stall, this probably isn't the best product to use. I've seen what people do on those doors, and aint no way I'd put my kid in contact with one on purpose.

I lied...I have 11

1.2. The Zaky Pillow

This thing would give ME nightmares. The poor kid is gonna grow up with images of disembodied hands coming for him in his sleep. This has to be an invention by Wes Craven.

Well, that was fun. I'm off to enjoy my Mama Cass Biography I Tivo'd last night.

Kenny Loggins - Conviction Of The Heart