Alright I give....

So, I wasn't gonna post about what I've been up to for the past few months but I'm getting lots of people wondering, so being that I'm a glutton for punishment, I'll spill it. But you're getting the readers digest version, because again, I don't want to relive or rehash shitty memories when I'm trying to stay all Kathy Lee Positive...minus the sweat shops.

Here's the last year (up until April) in review:

January 2006 to March 2007: Hell. Severe depression. Family problems. Health problems. Money problems. Blah blah blah blah blah...Hell squared. Hate it....I'm forgetting about 2006.

Jump to February when I chopped my finger off and the migraine fiasco. I was in the hospital more than not, and my bills racked up fast. We couldn't afford to live in Portland anymore, and more importantly than money, (cuz we could have worked that out) was my mental state. I wasn't in a good place anymore, and at my age, I was just plain sick of struggling internally and externally. I got to a point where I could barely function anymore, I could barely get out of bed every day, forget about working inside or outside the home, my marriage was suffering, my kids were suffering and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It's never a good thing when you get to a place where you hate yourself. And I did.

Jump again to the end of March, my mother offered to help us make a new start here in Idaho. We jumped on the chance, packed up everything, left everything comfortable, and jumped into a new life. It took us quite awhile to get on our feet here, but we've managed to buy a house, a new car, and financially we're ok, which I have NEVER been able to say before.

I've said this before on my old blog, but I really feel like we're finally gonna be ok. That life in general isn't always dark. It's so refreshing (for lack of a better word) to finally be able to see things in a lighter way and not always see the bad and negative in everything. Alot of my feeling that way was my own fault, and I own that, and I'm better now. I've hurt people I'm close to, and I've said I'm sorry so many times for my being a general fuck-up for the last four years, and I hope they know that I'm sincere when I say that I do love them all, family, friends...

What I do know is I can't go back. I can't change the person I was, and have been for pretty much the entire time I've been writing a blog. I can't make myself a different person, and just be all "Hey, I was only kidding!"...can't do that. I can't blame things on my evil twin, I can't blame things on the health issues, or even on the wine. That would make it alot easier. Here's the deal, plain and simple:

I was a selfish bitch, who put myself and my self pity above all the things and people (friends and family) who should have been important to me. I took advantage of people I love, and I didn't tell them how much I appreciated them when it was important.

That's what it comes down to. The mental shit I had going on is no longer an excuse and I'm not going to use it as my Bitch Crutch any longer. I'm stronger than that...and now, out of the haze of everything surrounding my life for the past three-ish years, I can see what I need to about myself to make myself better. I might struggle with depression shit for the rest of my life, but it's my decision to let it eat me away into the shell that I was. It's a decision I have to make every day to wake up and see the good, and not the bad. It's my decision...I can have a happy life or I can make the decision to live in a sad hazy place. I've made my decision.

I've spent the past couple of months trying to purge my life of the negative. People that were negative...including members of my family. Don't need it in my life anymore. Friends that hurt me or used me...see ya later. Trying to get over the guilty feelings I have over the hurt and confusion I've caused people that cared about me...that's the hardest thing. Just accepting all the shit I've done, eating my crap sandwich, and dealing with it. Emails are still coming to some of you...but it's me and my guilt that's holding those up. I owe some people some explainations (if only for myself), and that's not always easy, but they're coming.

So there ya go...that's why Zed is gone. Reading through that thing was just nothing but bad memories...negativity and a person I hated. That's why the new one. New me, new blog to match...

And that's all I have to say about that.