You've Got Ball Licking

Three times now, while watching some bad movie on TV, the guy on the screen get's AOL mail, and I think it's my own damn email. What the fuck is that about? I haven't had AOL in 7 or 8 years. Oi Vey.

Anyway, on to what my post was really about. My dog's balls. Stop laughing. It's serious.

Gizmo does this really obnoxious licking thing. Sounds something like this:

SLURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRP

And it's driving me insane. Imagine for a second, you're sitting comfortably on the couch with your husband/wife/kids, watching something very interesting on the tube. Along comes cute, sweet little doggy and sits at your feet. Awwwwww. Now, cute sweet doggy starts in with the licking. Lick lick slurp slurp snort lick slurp snort....etc. You start looking around the room all shifty eyed, trying to ignore the incessant ball sounds coming from your feet. You give the dog a little nudge hoping this will fix the issue, to no avail. Cute, sweet little doggy goes back to his junk. And this time, if only to teach me a lesson, he's not only licking he's gnawing. A couple minutes pass, and you start to pray for someone to say something tactful to make the dog stop, because at this point, all you hear in your head is the slurp/chaw/gnarled sounds of balls (akin to what I imagine runs through Tracy Lords' mind at any given moment) and if you say anything it's going to be something like "GIZMO STOP BEING AN ASSDRONE" Which really won't get your point across very well, and causes the people around you to look at you like you had a big bowl of stupid for lunch.

I tolerate a LOT from this dog and I love him more than words. But I do tolerate a LOT. The begging under feet. The constant crackish pacing he does. The diving head first into the Kleenex box and scattering them all over the house. The ice cream addiction. But this, ball licking...something I can not tolerate for much longer. I've asked the vet about it...he doesn't have an allergy. The vet asked if he gets enough exercise because he could be doing it out of boredom. Um sure. The dog never sits still...he rarely ever even goes all the way to sleep...he's like Chuck Norris...he doesn't sleep, he waits.

I almost feel sorry for him if/when I do get him to stop...it's almost like he goes through ball withdrawls. He'll start pacing, and doing that up and down thing, and going in circles. Then he'll disappear for a couple minutes, off somewhere licking himself in secret, I'm sure, and he'll come back with his ball fix, hop up on my lap and try to lick my face. Like THAT'S gonna happen. I know where that tongue has been.

I need to make this stop. I wonder if I got in touch with Ceasar Milan, and told him that my dog has a Ball Addiction and the sound makes me want to lock my cute, sweet doggy woggy in a closet woset, if he would come whisper to him. I bet Ceasar could bring the tact that I so desperately lack in the ball licking department.

Wait. I hate that guy. Maybe I could just lock him in a closet.

Woset.

Soooo....how's your day goin?