Mom's At It Again

Woo! Sale!

2008-05-01T07:31:00.000-06:00

Okie, so I've decided I haven't run a big whoop whoop kind of sale in a while....nows a good a time as any, so pass this on:

The first 10 9* people who respond to this post through my email, will receive a custom or any one of my Premade designs for half price. You could be getting a design for as low as $25! All ya gotta do is email me and let me know you saw my post, and after we get through all the paperwork (payment, premade selection, etc) you'll be added to my schedule and we all know that's where the magic happens. Really.

So, c'mon, email me people. These sales don't happen every day.

*I'm filling up fast, so if you want to take advantage of this deal, email soon!

Most Effed Up Band Names: The Alan Parsons Project

2008-04-28T16:45:00.000-06:00

We haven't done one of these in awhile...I got nuttin better to write about so you get Alan Parsons. Deal? Deal.

I don't have any goddamn clue why a guy would choose to name his band The Alan Parsons Project. Maybe he was in cahoots with all the other "project personnel" and really wanted to make this whole "music" thing "pop". Who cares. It's a stupid name.

Tons of bands have named themselves after a member of the band. Dave Matthews. Ben Folds. Tony Orlando & Dawn. Ok, that one is stretching it a bit...but really, where would Dawn be without Tony? You see my point. It's an ego thing...you kind of have to have an ego the size of Della Reese's ass to be in a band anyway, so it all goes hand in hand. But it's almost a slackass thing to do. Hmmmm, what should we call ourselves? Ok, everyone put their name in a hat...we'll draw straws, the guy with the biggest wank wins! Alan, that's you, big guy! But why the "project" part. It sounds like something you'd do in AP chemistry class in high school. All the band geeks would stand around the little bunson burners ooooohing and aaaaaahing while Professor McDildo built an Alan Parsons from bleach and hair gel.

They should have called themselves the "We're Never Getting Laid With This Name Project"

And Eye In The Sky?....that song is the musical equivalent of a cactus enema.

That will be all.

Oops

2008-04-02T10:07:00.001-06:00

I forgot I have a blog again.

My bad.

I promise to post again...starting tomorrow.

March was a Jenga game of shit with a few pieces missing.

That paints a nice visual, no?

Until tomorrow, ladies and germs.

Things I've Learned This Week

2008-02-26T15:22:00.004-07:00

So, this week I learned that when I'm waiting for a very important phone call from my doctor and it takes more than about, ohhhhhh let's say an hour, I will start to pace, and carry my phone around with me everywhere, even the bathroom, and I will get really really super nervous, to the point that I give myself headaches and get sick to my stomach (and forget how to spell ~~nasuea~~, ~~naseua~~, ~~nasea~~, eh screw it) and call her incessantly until she finally tells me that she is going to travel the 2000 miles and poison my IV, if I don't shut up.

Don't hate because you don't have a real best good friend like mine.

Get yer own.

Make A Band

2008-02-20T14:41:00.006-07:00

This is one of the grooviest meme's I've seen in a looooooooooooong time. Here's the deal:

1. Click Here
The first article title is the name of your band.

2. Click Here
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. Click Here
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

My bands name is Narleski and my album title is Comfort, Use & Protection. I dig it.

What is it with me and all the meme's and quizes lately? Can you tell I'm just trying to find things to keep my mind busy...huge things are happening this week, but I'm not at liberty to discuss. No, really.

I Got Nuttin

2008-02-19T12:40:00.003-07:00

I have absolutely nothing to blog about today. Nadda. But I'm bored outta my mind, so I'm doing this book meme thing that has been around for years. I saw it again today at Miss Dawn's blog (who has an awesome design btw...wink wink nudge nudge). Ok anyway here's the deal if you don't know:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages)
2. Open book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag people n stuff.

Ok, so this is the book I'm reading right now:

"But when Debra looked there later there was no key. Debra said, "I assumed he was going partying, he was all dressed up, I was yuppie casual. He was dressed to kill."

That is not one of the most interesting passages from the book...being that I only read true crime, you'd think I could have gotten something a little exciting. Actually there isn't much about this book that is interesting. This author is awful. I would so not recommend this book to people. It's like the literary equivalent of a stroke. But I'm only about 30 pages from being done, and I'm kind of anal about my books. I can't just stop reading one once I start. That's what I get for trying a new, unknown author. I can't wait to crack open one of my Ann Rule books next. I need to cleanse my palate after this piece of tripe.

Even this post bores me.

The Beat Boys

2008-02-18T10:26:00.002-07:00

I saw this on one of the music message board thingies that I read every now and then...Shut it. We already know I'm a geek. Anyway...this makes me giggle like a school girl.

"One of the covers I really liked was Uncle Cracker's cover of Joe Cocker's Drift Away.

Give me the beat boys that frees my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll
And drift away......"

Who knew that Joe Cocker did Drift Away, silly me for thinking it was Dobie Gray...and the lyrics? All this time I thought they were saying "Give Me The BEACH BOYS and FREE MY SOUL"....turns out they were talking about The Beat Boys. Probably a lesser known group from Jersey.

Morons are funny.

-

Zesty

2008-02-15T13:20:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling zesty today. I told my girls that and they told me that only pickles were zesty. So, whatever, I'm like a pickle. I'm having a great hair day...it's porn hair. All smooth and shiny. And my jeans are fitting awesome...no wedgies. My shirt doesn't have any stains on it (yet), I even put on some lip gloss. The sun is shining, Pink Floyd is on the media player, and I've got all of my work caught up which means the weekend is all mine. Oh yes...zesty I am.

I would totally take a picture of my zesty self to share with ya'll if my camera had any batteries in it.

Yes, I just ya'll'd.

Shut up.

Aint This The Truth?

2008-02-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

I'm bored...Photobucket is down today, which means I'm at a standstill with work, and that means we do stupid online quizes.

Your Birthdate: August 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride.
Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing.
When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it.
It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious.

Your strength: Your warm heart

Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions

Your power color: Black

Your power symbol: Musical note

Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Well that was fun....Being that this is my power month and all, I'm off to use my super power. The ability to put the dishes in the dishwasher while simultaneously keeping the dog from humping my leg. Who wants to see through walls anyway?

----------------
Now playing: Madonna - Jimmy Jimmy
via FoxyTunes

She's F*cking Matt Damon

2008-02-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Dude. Sarah Silverman has always been on my short list of comedians who can make me do that ugly laugh...yanno the one where you snort, and double over and have to cross your legs for fear that you will leave a puddle...yeah that laugh. She's a genius. She's been dating Jimmy Kimmel forever, and I love his show...so when I saw this on Jimmy Kimmel Live's birthday show the other night...Seriously people. I laughed myself ugly.

Rack Em

2008-01-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I went and bought myself a vintage Police tour T-shirt from 80's Tee's the other day (since I couldn't see them on tour *whine*), and it got here, I put it on, and the Synchronicty tour suddenly became the City tour. URGH! This crap happens all the time. This is not my lame attempt to show the internets my rack, but honest to god:

A couple questions arise from this scenario:

Why don't T-Shirt companies put the words a little higher on shirts?
In lieu of that, why don't they make the words smaller?
Why is there a Bratz doll on the shelf in the background sans feet?
Why haven't I painted over that puke wallpaper yet?
When did a Large T-Shirt become a medium?

So there ya go internets...you got a picture of the my rack and the Olices's City Tour '84.

You're welcome.

Dear Partner In Crime,

2008-01-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

Remember all those times when we would talk, and you would tell me how purdy everything looked coated in the snow? And how you loved to play in it, and build snowmen and throw snowballs? And how winter is just not winter without your New Yawk snow? Remember all those times when I said I was jealous of your snow, and your snowmen, and snowballs...and white Christmases? After three and a half inches this morning alone...I've changed my mind.

Take it back. Please? It's been snowing since November, and it's lost all of it's awesome, and I've lost all the feeling in my toes. Seriously, the picture doesn't do it justice. Shit is coming down sideways out there. If this is your way of getting back at me for that whole Mahna Mahna thing a couple years ago...let's call it even.

Me.

P.S.
Kennedy is 10 today! Doesn't she look so much more mature?

Rules For Teenagers

2008-01-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

I found these rules in a book by Charles Sykes called Dumbing Down Our Kids. Seriously, people, read it. Even if you don't agree with everything he says, it'll make you think. I may print these and put them on my fridge. Yanno, in case of emergency.

Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about rock stars all weekend.

Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it, or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.

----------------
Now playing: Level 42 - Running In The Family
via FoxyTunes

Quitting You

2008-01-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Heath Ledger died?

Ugh. I'm sad now.

RoxieKennedyGizzyLizzy!

2008-01-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

I might be loosing my damn mind. Like fer real this time. I'm a mother (of a teenage girl and a "in-6-days-I'm-gonna-be-10" 10 years old)...we all know that. And as a mother one of my duties is to yell. Like a lot. Not in a mean, Ms. Hannigan kind of way. But in the, nobody in this damn house can hear my voice unless it's the same octave as an air raid siren...kind of way. What is that? I can say something very clearly and in a normal tone of voice to the child and she will look at me like she doesn't have a damn clue what language I'm talking in. It may as well be a series of clicks and grunts. My husband can say the same thing in a normal tone and the kids jump up like their asses were on fire. I have to get to the point where I'm huffing and puffing and pulling my hair out before these little people will respond.

The same phenom applies to my dogs. I say something, the animals hear Charlie Brown's Teacher. My husband says something, and he sounds like a little Doggy Chaucer. The hell? As of late, I've been realizing more and more how completely futile my attempts are. I decided this morning that I'm going to save breath. Instead of talking to each of these little runts individually, I'm just going to start calling out:

"ROXIEKENNEDYGIZZYLIZZY!"

Whoever responds is who I'll talk to. Enough of this crap. I'm a smoker people. I don't have enough air to be blowing in waste everyday. Although I have a feeling, I'll be talking to the dogs more than my children. Cest La Vie. Until I learn the Swahili language, I probably won't be getting through to those little people anyway.

I have a teenager! Me! A Teenager!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Scary iddn't it?

Out Of Pocket

2008-01-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

Three times today I've heard people misuse that phrase. It's not a phrase I hear very often. I'm thinking Hunting & Fishing weekly must have used it in last months issue, because it's rare to hear anyone around these here parts use a phrase that contains more than a few grunts and the holding up of a Haams beer. I'm not saying people here are Simpletons, they're just Simpletons. And I'm an elitist bitch, so whatever.

So the phrase "Out Of Pocket". I thought this was kind of a "duh" thing. It means, you're out money, or you've gotta pay for something. For instance, you might say "Damn! My tab at Jiggles is no longer an acceptable business expense. I'm gonna miss those girls. Guess I'll be out of pocket on that one." That would be the correct usage.

But saying, "I'm going to be at the doctors office all day, so I'll be out of pocket." WRONG! STOP IT!

Who gave the permission for that? I would like to introduce your ass to my foot.

Ass meet foot. Foot. Ass.

Short Attention Span Theater

2008-01-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

CadaverForSale.com - How much is your body worth?

I don't think I've ever had my body appraised. Seems like kind of a low estimate though....And how exactly are we pricing things? It asked me if I had my appendix out, I haven't. So are we going by the organ here? Weight? Height? What about if I'm donating my organs...does that drop my value? What about if I cut my hair? It asked me how long my hair was...it's down to my butt. Are we adding that to my total weight, or are they gonna sell that separately for rich people's weaves? What about all the caffeine I drink on a daily basis? Surely all the Diet Coke has pickled something in there by now...so I spose that brought down my value. And I still haven't quit smoking, so I'm sure that did me in right there. So many questions.

OOOH! Heart's on my Sirius. What happened to the Wilson sisters? We need another good rockin girl group. The last kick ass girl group was in the Riot Grrl movement in the 90's. And if anyone mentions Hole to me, I swear to cheese I will throw heavy things at your head. Courtney Love makes my colon seize. Anyone besides me listen to L7 or Frightwig? Seriously people...get with it.

Did you guys hear that Brad Renfro died? He was only 25. So sad.

I want brownies.

Yup, I'm bored.

This Song Is Not Jumpin. Jumpin.

2008-01-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

Beyonce annoys me. Like a lot. Destiny's Child annoyed me even more...because there were ~~four~~ three of them. And apparently, Sirius really loves them today, because every other station is playing them. Today alone I have heard this one song three times, and it makes me want to send their whiney asses back to Melmac, or whatever ALF like planet they came from? Jumpin Jumpin. In case you're unfamiliar, the lyrics go a little something like this:

Ladies leave your man at home
The club is full of ballers and they pockets full grown
And all you fellas leave your girl with her friends
Cuz it's eleven thirty and the club is jumpin jumpin

Let's analyze shall we? Good:

Most of that song, I ain't touchin with a 38 1/2 foot pole, because it's redundantly ignorant...that being said, the chorus in this brings to light so many questions. Boggle me this...if all the mens are at home cuz the ladies done left their asses there, and the fellas left all their girls with their friends...whose gonna be there to enjoy all the jumpin pocket bulging ballers...at eleven thirty.

See?! Stupid.

Beyonce makes me dumb.

You've Got Ball Licking

2008-01-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

Three times now, while watching some bad movie on TV, the guy on the screen get's AOL mail, and I think it's my own damn email. What the fuck is that about? I haven't had AOL in 7 or 8 years. Oi Vey.

Anyway, on to what my post was really about. My dog's balls. Stop laughing. It's serious.

Gizmo does this really obnoxious licking thing. Sounds something like this:

SLURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRP

And it's driving me insane. Imagine for a second, you're sitting comfortably on the couch with your husband/wife/kids, watching something very interesting on the tube. Along comes cute, sweet little doggy and sits at your feet. Awwwwww. Now, cute sweet doggy starts in with the licking. Lick lick slurp slurp snort lick slurp snort....etc. You start looking around the room all shifty eyed, trying to ignore the incessant ball sounds coming from your feet. You give the dog a little nudge hoping this will fix the issue, to no avail. Cute, sweet little doggy goes back to his junk. And this time, if only to teach me a lesson, he's not only licking he's gnawing. A couple minutes pass, and you start to pray for someone to say something tactful to make the dog stop, because at this point, all you hear in your head is the slurp/chaw/gnarled sounds of balls (akin to what I imagine runs through Tracy Lords' mind at any given moment) and if you say anything it's going to be something like "GIZMO STOP BEING AN ASSDRONE" Which really won't get your point across very well, and causes the people around you to look at you like you had a big bowl of stupid for lunch.

I tolerate a LOT from this dog and I love him more than words. But I do tolerate a LOT. The begging under feet. The constant crackish pacing he does. The diving head first into the Kleenex box and scattering them all over the house. The ice cream addiction. But this, ball licking...something I can not tolerate for much longer. I've asked the vet about it...he doesn't have an allergy. The vet asked if he gets enough exercise because he could be doing it out of boredom. Um sure. The dog never sits still...he rarely ever even goes all the way to sleep...he's like Chuck Norris...he doesn't sleep, he waits.

I almost feel sorry for him if/when I do get him to stop...it's almost like he goes through ball withdrawls. He'll start pacing, and doing that up and down thing, and going in circles. Then he'll disappear for a couple minutes, off somewhere licking himself in secret, I'm sure, and he'll come back with his ball fix, hop up on my lap and try to lick my face. Like THAT'S gonna happen. I know where that tongue has been.

I need to make this stop. I wonder if I got in touch with Ceasar Milan, and told him that my dog has a Ball Addiction and the sound makes me want to lock my cute, sweet doggy woggy in a closet woset, if he would come whisper to him. I bet Ceasar could bring the tact that I so desperately lack in the ball licking department.

Wait. I hate that guy. Maybe I could just lock him in a closet.

Woset.

Soooo....how's your day goin?

Miaology

2008-01-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

I so totally stole this from her....and I'm finding any excuse I can right now not to finish cleaning my room.

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Ranch.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Taco Time or Sonic

Q. What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
A. Olive Garden or Red Robin

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. I'm a horrible tipper. I usually leave something, but it's never all that impressive. Sue me.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Skittles & pasta

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Supreme with NO sauce....ew.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Real butter...none of that margarine crap. Sometimes strawberry jelly...OoooH! Cinnamon toast!

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. From Strongbad:

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Four. Living room, bedroom, and each of my girls have one.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Righty

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Just my children.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. I had a couple filled about two years ago...I think I may have one now, but I don't wanna go to the dentist until I'm ready to shove a screwdriver into my head.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. Heavy item? Ummmm, I guess that would be the the TV's when we moved. Who knows, I don't even think about that stuff....that's the last one I can really remember thinking "dayum! this shit be heavy!" about

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Not that I remember..

BULLCRAPOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Hmmmm. I think I would like a ballpark estimate...like, you're going to croak in March. At least then I could sort of prepare...knowing it down to the day, naw. I have a hard enough time gathering together enough patience for the washer to finish the spin cycle...can you imagine the pacing I'd be doing waiting for the grim reaper.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I used to want to be Samantha, because I thought Alyssa Milano on Who's The Boss was The Shiznit.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Reds, white and greens.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. I swallowed a fly last summer when we were camping, does that count?

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Yup. I had a friend in college who was a severe brittle diabetic...long story short, she called me sounding drunk, I knew the signs of shock from being with her almost 24/7 for two years, rushed over to her house and got her to the hospital. They told me she probably would have slipped into a coma and possibly died, if I hadn't gotten there in time.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. My husband.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Sure, why not.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. This reminds me of that 4 Rooms skit with my Quentin....um, sure, it could be sewn back on.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. I've been blogging for four years...and I barely blog as it is (lately anyway)...I've moved my blog eleventy million times so I've lost anyone who may have read this thing to begin with, and I'm a horrible commenter. So yeah, I would absolutely give it up for $50,000.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I have issues with nudity. Mainly just my own...so no. I'll leave that to people have lost all that baby weight. It's only been 13 years...I'm still holding out hope that those last 20 pounds will just fall off.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. I love me some hot sauce, but uh no. What's that old Rocky quote, if you eat lightening be prepared to crap thunder...something like that. That painted a nice visual.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. I'm assuming this is excluding all those scenarios where I would protect my children, so I guess this depends on whose life we're talking about. There is probably only one person in this world where the though has crossed my mind. Without fear of punishment, ...you bet your ass I could.

DUMBOLOGY

Q. What is in your left pocket?
A. Nothing

Q. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. "how was school today?! The worst day of my life, what do you think!" Yeah, It's good enough that I have lines memorized.

Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. carpeting.

Q. Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Baths..preferably with a Lush Bath Bomb. Heaven.

Q. Would you live with roommates?
A. Blah....There is maybe three people in this world who are not already living in my house that I would ever share living space with. I don't like people enough. The human race disappoints me on a regular basis.

Q. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. Ick, none. I can't stand that little piece of stuff between my toes...double ick. I'm a Birkenstocks kind of gal. I wear mine every friggin day.

Q. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. The last time I can remember was about 12 years ago, when I was dating this guy who had a long history of getting into trouble...we got pulled over one night and he got hauled off to jail for something or other, and I got let go with a warning that I should "Be more selective of the people I fraternize with". Heh.

Q. Who is number 1 on your Top 8?
A. Huh? Myspace? I'm such a dweeb...lemme go check. It's my partner in crime.

LASTOLOGY

Q: Last Friend (person) you talked to?
A: My stepfather when he came over to help me fix my toilet. My ballcock was broken. That word makes me giggle like a pothead.

Q: Last person who called you?
A: My mother.

Q: Last person you hugged?
A: Kennedy...this morning before she left for school.

Q: Last person to stick their foot in your face?
A: Ew.

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: 2

Q: Season?
A: Fall

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: A few people.

Q: Mood?
A: Getty sleepy, but pretty peachy keen, jellybean.

Q: Listening to?
A: Tone Loc's Wild Thing on my Sirius.

Q: Watching?
A: The computer screen.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Monday's appointment with the lawyer.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: Bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: Sit on my ass all weekend...ugh, this week hurt my brain.

Q: What's the last movie you saw in theater?
A: Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: I hate my smile, so no. $8000 in orthodontia in Junior High, and I still hate my smile.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Who wants to know?

"Why don't we just pretend he didn't die?"

2008-01-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

I just read this on the NY Times website:

Even for the once-notorious Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, it may have been a first: Two men were arrested on Tuesday after pushing a corpse, seated in an office chair, along the sidewalk to a check-cashing store to cash the dead man’s Social Security check, the police said. When Virgilio Cintron, 66, died at his apartment at 436 West 52nd Street recently, his roommate and a friend saw an opportunity to cash his $355 check, the police said. There was no sign of foul play in Mr. Cintron’s death, he added.
The roommate, James P. O’Hare, and his friend, David J. Dalaia, both 65 and unemployed, placed Mr. Cintron’s body in the chair and wheeled it around the corner, south along Ninth Avenue on Tuesday afternoon, the police said. The men parked the chair with the corpse in front of Pay-O-Matic at 763 Ninth Avenue, a check-cashing business that Mr. Cintron had patronized. They went inside to present the check, but a clerk said Mr. Cintron would have to cash it himself, and asked where he was, the police said.
“He is outside,” Mr. O’Hare said, indicating the body in the chair, according to Mr. Browne.
The two men started to bring the chair inside, but it was too late.
Their sidewalk procession had already attracted the stares of passers-by who were startled by the sight of the body flopping from side to side as the two men tried to prop it up, the police said. The late Mr. Cintron was dressed in a faded black T-shirt and blue-and-white sneakers. Police officers and an ambulance arrived as the two men were trying to maneuver the corpse and chair into the check-cashing office.
The two men were taken into custody and questioned. The police said they were considering charging them with check-cashing fraud. Mr. Cintron’s body was taken to a hospital morgue. The medical examiner’s office said its preliminary assessment was that he had died of natural causes within the past 24 hours.

I can't decide if I should cry because this story is really a very sad, tragic thing. Two elderly men trying to cash their elderly friends social security check, they probably did need the money. However, I'm sitting here having a REALLY hard time not laughing because:

A: The dead guy was in an OFFICE CHAIR being wheeled down the street.
B: I keep imagining the two old men pushing him down the street yelling at each other Grumpy Old Men style...One guy to the other "You hold him up, Dickhead!"...Other guy says, "No it's your turn, Moron!"
C: I immediately got this vision in my head:

Seriously people...I should not be laughing.

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Now playing: The Black Crowes - She Talks to Angels
via FoxyTunes

Tantrum

2008-01-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

Nobody would mind if I just throw a minor fit for a minute would they?

Good.

(*^&$#%&^^*(&*)(*()&*(&*^^$%DAMNIT$$%@##$@%$#%^%
&**)(*()*)((__(**()&&*(^^%$$%#$%BITCH@##@#$@$%%*^*(&)*(&*()
&)*&)(*()*()*(*^&^$%$#FUCK#@#$@#$@$%$&%&*&*()()%#$%SHIT@
#$@#$%^&*^*(&*()*()^&%^$!!

Thanks.

Nothing to see here, carry on.

She Makes Snow Piles...

2008-01-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

And then jumps in face first. Thus proving my theory that these children have the brain damage.

I tell Liz to say hi at the end...the child says "Hi Lizzy"

Everybody's a comedian.

Pennywise

2008-01-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

I never have my camera when I need it.

I just saw a guy dressed entirely as Pennywise the clown from that movie IT, walking down my street carrying one of those leashes without a dog in it, and singing a Bay City Rollers song.

Lawd, how I've missed small towns. Back in Portland, if I had seen that same guy he would have been carrying something sharp, beating his invisible dog, and rapping some song by NWA.

Bay City Rollers, people! If that damn clown had been on roller skates...heaven.

Female Hysteria

2008-01-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

As noted yesterday, I'm spending the last couple of days of my vacation from work doing as little as possible...which usually involves a ton of googling weird stuff. Such was the case today when I wandered onto a site devoted to Victorian women and their "ailments". One such ailment, was Female Hysteria. I love how that sounds, I may decide to use it as often as I can in the future. For instance, when asked what's for dinner, I can scream "Dinner?! Dinner?! You insensitive pig! I've got a raging case of Female Hysteria over here!" Or something like that.

The symptoms of female hysteria includes the following:

Faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and a "tendency to cause trouble"

Us women and our mood swings. The list of "symptoms" for Female Hysteria was so long, that pretty much anything or anyone could fit into the catagory. So, how you might ask would you cure this "deadly ailment" which was almost exclusively diagnosed to women who dared disobeyed their Victorian husbands? The answer was simple. A hefty prescription for a "mid-quarters" massage until the womens reached "hysterical paroxysm.". Yup. The cure to Victorian Female Hysteria was, shall we say, "Renouncing The Queen".

There was this guy named Dr. Swift. And Dr. Swift liked to stick his hand up the womens skirts, and touch their girlie bits. And Lo! We have our cure! No more female hysteria, gents! And to protect the privacy of these torrid women, the doctor would come to your home and perform your little bits massage in the comfort of your own sleeping quarters. How chivalrous of him. Don't believe me? The slick willy advertised:

Apparently, Dr. Swift was getting so many patients requesting house calls from him, that he couldn't keep up with the clientele. And really, what man could....he was basically offering himself up as a medical Disneyland for women. So, he created a device to do his bidding for him.

Alright ladies...all together now:

Thank you, Dr. Swift.

My only question, is why does it show that lady at the top right using the thing on her head? Those silly Victorians.

Now don't say I never taught you anything.

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Now playing: Heatwave - The Groove Line
via FoxyTunes

Double Duty

2008-01-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned before that I hold down two jobs. I am a freelance designer...most of you know that. However not many of you know that I moonlight as a Self Employed Slacker. I do. And I'm the best in the field. Nobody knows this business like I do. Seriously. I've won medals in this shit. They were going to do a reality show based on this career, but A&E quickly realized that drinking Diet Coke and playing around on Pogo don't make for very captivating television. Psssssht. What the hell do they know anyway? They cancelled Dog The Bounty Hunter (my feelings on that issue is a totally different post).

For the past 48 hours (since New Years Eve) I've completed a grand total of 22 1/2 hours of slacking while drinking ONLY coffee and Diet Coke. Not everybody can achieve this level of slack. It takes YEARS of practice and skill. I'm a dedicated employee. Just look at all I've accomplished:

*yawn*

I think I deserve a nap.

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Now playing: George Michael w/ Elton John- Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me
via FoxyTunes

Deja Vu All Over Again

2007-12-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make...ready?

I love the new Ashley Simpson song. I do. I could put it on repeat all day long, and not get tired of it...at least not for a couple days. That being said. I swear to cheese, that is not her voice. Maybe that's why I like it so much. I was sitting here trying to think of who or where I knew the sound of the voice from. Missing Persons anyone? Take a listen and you tell me...It's produced by Timbaland, and I know the guy can work magic, but what he did with Ashley is nothing short of a miracle.

Missing Persons:

Ashley "It Was The Bands Fault" Simpson:

And speaking of Deja Vu...my Snoop (yes, he's mine) has a most awesome new song out. Sensual Seduction. This so could have been on the Off The Wall album...or maybe just the video. But he's using a Talk Box and that makes him innovative, in a retro, let's breakdance and pretend to be Peter Frampton kind of way...oh, AND yummy.

Shut up.

My Snoop:

Ay ya ya ya ya you're talkin way too much...

Things I've Done Today

2007-12-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

In nice neat bullet-y list format:

Installed a new design for one of my most awesome clients.
Answered fourty gabillion emails.
Remembered that the oldest child has a band concert tonight.
Then remembered that her skirt and shirt for the band concert is dirty.
Washed band concert clothes. Crises averted.
Got hungry, and decided to warm up some leftovers in the micro.
Used the wrong type of plate.
Went to pick up the plate and it was the same temperature as that glowing orb thingie in the sky.
Made up a couple new cuss words.
Have spent the last hour and a half nursing the burn blister that ate Baltimore on my thumb, first and second finger of my right hand.
Went to take the last three Advil in the bottle to stop the burn pain...and dropped all three of them down the sink.
Typing. Hurts. Ow.

You see how my day's go downhill like that?

My parents always said I need a keeper. They may have been on to something.

I'm going to go wrap my ass in Charmin and prepare to go out in public.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Dr. G Makes Me Paranoid

2007-12-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows even a little bit about me knows that I am obsessed with Crime. Serial Killers. Ann Rule books. Cold case files. Court TV. I eat that shit up. I am a self proclaimed Mansonite. I know an unhealthy amount of info regarding those cases, the family, the victims, blah blah blah. I also am obsessed with all of the court/crime type shows. I used to watch Court TV almost exclusively. Now that we are in Idaho, we don't get Court TV with our cable company, but thankfully Biography and A&E channel has heard my whining and has started showing crime shows almost exclusively. Thank you.

Now I have a new obsession. Dr. G. I don't even remember what channel her show comes on at the moment, but I have her set into my Tivo, so now I get to actually watch the show. She has a way about her, that makes me paranoid. Take for instance the show I watched this morning (because nothing says Good Morning like Diet Coke and Autopsy). This case she was doing was about this guy who dies mysteriously in his car. She does the autopsy and determines that he had an embolism in his spleen or some shit like that and was only 30 years old. Then she proceeds to say things like...Who knows, you could have an embolism waiting to EXPLODE and KILL YOU! Commercial break.

Thanks so much Dr. G. I needed that. As if I wasn't a big enough hypochondriac, now I've got you reminding me that I could have silent problems brewing in my spleen that could make me drop stiff at any moment. Good to know. I'll make sure and say all my goodbyes now, just in case a blood clot should do me in this afternoon, while I'm doing a load of dishes. That is really a frightening thought though. Think about it. You do all you can to take care of yourself...you try to keep a positive frame of mind about life in general, you get check-up's with the doc, and you eat all your vegetables. Then one day you're going about your biz, humming the latest tune from the Old Navy commercial, and you keel over. I don't want to go that way. I want to have time to plan, and celebrate things. I want to go to Germany, and eat at one of those really fancy schmancy resteraunts where you get a lima bean and parsley and pay a weeks salary for it. And you like it. I want to go in a big spectacular way...after I've done a lot of really big spectacular things in life. I don't want to go because my arteries decide to close up on me. At 30.

This was an uplifting post.

And a Good morning to you!

Hi.

2007-12-12T16:12:00.001-07:00

I forgot I have a blog.

I'll post tomorrow...I promise.

I think.

Ugh, I'm busy.

We Got Snow!

2007-11-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! I'm so excited right now! I was just outside and took these pictures...we never ever got snow in Portland! Here? It's before Thanksgiving and we're getting snow...and it hasn't stopped in like half an hour. If you knew how big that was! In Portland, when it snowed it was always mixed with rain and never stuck. I see a snowman in my future. It's going to be so hard to work today.

And ummmm...I think we have a ghost of Christmas past. What the hell is that in the picture with my baby?

I Gots Tagged, Yo

2007-11-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks oodles Franci. No really, I mean that. I'm supposed to tell ya'll seven unknown, and bewildering facts about my little ol self. You should all be on the edge of your seats now.

1. My drama teacher in high school threw a chair at me. Yes, during class.

2. OH OH OH! Speaking of high school...I won third all state (Oregon) for Speech. I wrote a speech on Teen Idols in the Humorous Expository category. I also won lots and lots of other trophies and plaque thingies for Speech and Debate. I lettered in Speech and Debate. I made Speech and Debate my bitch. Ok, you get the picture.

3. I finally got a cellphone a couple months ago...shocking I know. But I love it. It's a pink Razr, and my ringtone is "Don't Stand So Close To Me" by the Police. I just took my Halloween ringtone off today, which was the theme to the Halloween movie.

4. This is harder than it seems...ummmm, my favorite candy is Starburst. The strawberry ones are all mine and if you try to steal one, I will cut you.

5. I'm very anal about the way the trash is taken out. My family seems to thing that an untied bag is ok to throw into the outside can. I, on the other hand, realize that everyone in the house is brain damaged and doesn't understand the proper way to take out the garbage. I mean, what if a giant raccoon decides to ravage our garbage can. That tie on the top can make all the difference. TIE OFF THE BAG, MOFO'S! Shut up.

6. My hard drive is filling up....I have no idea why.

Seriously, people...47 gig's worth of music. I need help...Anyone comments on my Elvis collection and I get to throw large objects at your head.

7. I have never ever seen the Godfather movies. I always make it to that scene in the first one where Brando is sitting at his desk (it's somewhere in the beginning) and he starts talking and I get so pissed off that I can't understand a damn word he's saying, that I turn it off. I need Godfather subtitles.

Satisfied?

I'm going to play in the rain now.

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Now playing: Olivia Newton-John - Magic
via FoxyTunes

Stone Temple Pilots Is A Stupid Name Too

2007-11-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday (duh)....and I'm looking through my CD collections, coming across bands like Stryper, Whitesnake, Pearl Jam, Matt The Hoople....and the following STP. I'm realizing that there are a proverbial buttload of crappy band names out there. I did a post a few weeks back about Porno For Pyros and how that name was retarded. But they aren't the only ones, they aren't even the worst of the bunch. As if the band names weren't stupid enough, the WAY they arrived at these names is just as stupid. It's Saturday...why not talk about something I love...Music and how stupid celebrities are? Agreed? Agreed.

Let me just preface this with this...I love STP. Always have, always will. Scott Weiland is a smacked out little slice of heaven. Now that that is out there, what the hopped up fuck where they thinking? Rumor has it that a member of the band...nobody knows which one because whoever the brain child was behind this rationale won't stand up and be counted...but rumor has it that a member of the band was really diggin on the STP car crap bottles. Yup, that's it. that's the big story. They liked the way this looked:

WOO! That's hot...let's name our band that...STP. Hells yeah! We're not talking about mental giants here...the majority of the band thought getting addicted to heroin and writing lyrics like "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me, cuz I'm dead and bloated..." was a good idea too. As you can deduce for yourself, these probably aren't the guys to go running to for logical Spock like decisions. If you think about it for a minute...Stone Temple Pilots would have been a great name for Grace Slick's band...had she not found the Jefferson for her Airplane. Very 60's Twiggy rock. Groovy baby, yeah. Aztec, myans, drugs, all the pretty colors. Just not the most fitting homage for a quad of cock-rockers writting songs like Meatplow and Sex-Type Thing.

So in conclusion...Scott Weiland is a heavenly little dopehead, who was in a great band with a stupid name that they should have given to Grace Slick...maybe that would have saved us all from We Built This City. Selfish bastards.

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Now playing: Biz Markie - Just A Friend
via FoxyTunes

Would You Like A Side Of Foot In Your Ass With That?

2007-11-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

Who in the hell's bright idea was PMS? Come the hell on. It's quite the elusive bitch. And it's only getting worse with each passing year. Days like this piss me off...I run the entire gamet of emotions in a matter of minutes. I sit here laughing my ass off watching stupid video's on Break.com, and then I'm brought almost to tears when I see a friggin human interest story on the news about how this family is taking care of pets of people fighting over in the middle east, to being totally and completely pissed off to the point of almost slam dancing with my monitor because it won't open the program I want it too, to happy again now because The Cover Girls just came on my media player and I'm sitting here chair dancing. What the holy fuck?!

PMS?! I never, and I do mean that, I NEVER used to get PMS. Ever. I could bleed for a week and not bat an eye. Now, the bitch sneaks up on me and I want to fling my reproductive organs from the tallest bridge. I swear to cheese I just had this like a week ago. Eventually, I'm just going to be one big ball of PMS, all the hormones running together and the man will come home from work and find me in a corner somewhere sobbing over how the monitor hates me, and the middle east is petless, and how much I love really bad 90's girl groups.

However, do you know what makes a day better when it's been a complete Jenga game of shit and hormones?

Tantric activities with Sting.

Know what makes a day like today better when your name isn't Trudie Styler so Tantric activities with Sting isn't an option because of that whole sanctity of marriage thing?

$18 Gourmet Cherry Cheesecake* from your daughters school fundraiser.

Yup it works. In enormously sickening doses it has been known to alleviate any and all side effects of PMS.

I'm giving the Midol an hour to kick in and then I'm flinging my reproductive organs off the porch.

* Side effects include: Stomach ache, sugar high, cherry induced vomiting, selfish gorging, stabby-get-your-own -damn-cheesecake motions and no-room-for-dinnerness.

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Now playing: Billy Joel - I Go To Extremes
via FoxyTunes

Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner

2007-11-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I still cry over a movie I've seen like 10,000 times? How does that work? I sit here, and I know what parts are coming up, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I'm saying the lines along in my head, and then the part comes, and I ball like a baby. Like I need tissue, sobbing, balling, crying. So irritating.

I was just watching Dirty Dancing, and only partially at that seeing as I'm trying to work...it got to the part where Johnny walks into the end of year celebration at Kellermans, and he walks up to her dad and say's THE line...Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I had to turn it off. Know why? Cuz I'm out of Kleenex, and I aint about to be caught with snot all over my sleeves, and big red pothead eyes.

Stupid hormones. No really, this is my FAVORITE week of the whole wide month.

Really.

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Now playing: Andy Gibb - Time Is Time
via FoxyTunes

Bada-What-The-Hell?!

2007-11-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

The hubs and I just recently decided to start watching the Soprano's. Yup, we NEVER watched it when it was actually on HBO. It just never seemed like our cup of tea. I was always a little curious, but never enough to try to watch it while it was on the air...so we started on the DVD's about a month ago. We are already halfway through season 3. We love it. LOVE IT! There IS one major thing that always bugs me about this show though...

The Bada Bing. The strip club they hang at. I spend half of every episode going EW...OMG ICK! DID SHE JUST DO THAT?! I'm of course am talking about those poles. The hump poles. Do they sanitize those things? Or at least wipe them down with that cloth thing? I've been to a couple of strip joints in my 29 years and they always wipe it down...but on the show, no wipe. Seems kind of unsanitary, no? Those girls are wiping their mother land all over the thing...and then the next girl just steps right up, and proceeds to wipe her naughty bits all over it. Ew. Do the girls go back and use some kind of antibacterial coochie wipes? Like Punani Lysol? Someone should invent that. I'd be worried I'd catch skank from that pole.

That and Christopher. He's always cutting that crank like a Benihana chef.

So Christopher and the whole fire-crotch aspect.

Other than those things...great show.

Google should have fun with this one.

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Now playing: Shalamar - Dead Give Away
via FoxyTunes

Here's The Story

2007-11-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Short and sweet...ready?

I'm not dying.

I do have a disease with a not pretty name, that isn't life threatening if I take care of myself, and keep my eye on it...and no, it's not diabetes. I'm not giving out too much info, I don't want to. Personal issues and stuff...but thank you to all my most awesome clients who put up with me the past couple of weeks...and a huge thanks to the few of you who sent me emails with good juju. I needed it.

I've got so much to catch up on...ugh.

Thank you, for being there for me. I guess I've gotta foot the bill for the plane ticket now, huh?

Ok...that's all you get tonight. My meds are making me spew patriotic colors and I can't get warm....my tub is calling my name.

G'night.

Not Now

2007-11-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

I'm having some health issues going on right now that have my brain in a fog....I'm taking a break from this thing for a couple more days. This couldn't have happened in January? I don't have time for this crap right now.

Sorry Nablo...I'll make it up to you next week.

Hmmmm....

2007-11-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

So um, when exactly should I get paranoid?

1. When I wake up and feel like my innerds are imploding from the "bladder infection" that the doc told me I had a month ago.

2. When I go back into the doc's this morning, take another pee test, only to have him tell me that I don't actually have a Bladder infection anymore, takes a full 5 minutes looking through our notes of my visits...and then just says "Hmmmmm."

3. When he breaks the news that he thinks it's one of two things. A. My appendix is about to rupture. Or B. I have an ovarian cyst.

Just wondering.

I need a hug.

Ow.

Yeah, I knew That

2007-11-03T14:06:00.000-06:00

Your 80s Theme Song Is:

Parents Just Don't Understand by the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff

What's Your 80s Theme Song?

You didn't honestly expect a real though provoking post on a Saturday did you? I'm NaBlo inept. Sue me.

Calm Down, Doogie

2007-11-02T13:18:00.000-06:00

I hate it when people say that. Not the Doogie part, just calm down. It's like when someone tells me to smile. It makes me want to karate chop them.

"Calm Down"? Um...no.

People have a tendency to say that when a conversation about something passionate is going on. When I get going, and it's something I feel strongly about, I get worked up. It's passion that seperates us from the monkeys...well that, and opposable thumbs. But if we weren't able to express ourselves the way we do, where would we be? We'd still be sitting in a cave somewhere wondering where Ugh left the Mastadon jerkey.

OH! Know what else I just realized. Doogie Howser was the first blogger.

Know what else?! I like my rockstars gay. I do. The longer the hair, the prettier the face, the more I swoon. Except for Judas Priest...cuz good gawd dayum...when I first heard Judas Priest was gay, I threw up a little in my mouth. But how did we not know? The leather biker duds? All the hot half nekid men in his vids? Turbo Lover? Nuff said.

Heh...don't you love posts that have not one complete thought, rhyme or reason?

Yup, me too.

I like cheese.

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Now playing: Phil Collins - Against All Odds
via FoxyTunes

Dear Self,

2007-11-01T09:30:00.000-06:00

Please refrain from watching movies such as The Exorcist, on Halloween, and with all the lights out, prior to bed time. It's not that we don't enjoy being scared now and then, it puts us in that hyper-awake state, and we don't mind it. Really.

That being said...WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU THINKING?! The Exorcist?! Dumbass. Everytime the dog snorted last night, we thought the big scary ghost face was coming for us. We were certain we were going to end up in a big pile of sacrilegious goo at the foot of the bed.

Seriously. Green Pee Soup Vomit, levitation, spinning heads....and Mercedes McCambridge's voice....shudder. She must have been gargling with Vodka and gravel. Just consider yourself warned...do that shit again and we will stage a coup and you'll find yourself having an overwhelming compulsion to learn the lyrics to every single Enya song...including that shit she did with Clanad. Yeah, we're serious.

Thank You,
Your Self

P.S.
Sleeping with the light on in the hallway ain't gonna save your ass if the cloven hooved one decides to suck your soul out with a straw. Dick For Brains.

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Now playing: Honeydrippers - Sea of Love
via FoxyTunes

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T16:17:00.000-06:00

From Princess Me & The Fat Boys....and Fred.

Halloween?! Already?!

2007-10-30T13:11:00.000-06:00

Hi. My name is Mia and I am a bad blogger.

Hi Mia.

Ugh, what the hell dude, I think I've posted maybe six days this whole month, and the majority of those were crappy filler posts. I've been beyond busy this month with work, and kids stuff, and the man, and getting over the bladder infection that ate Baltimore.

Things of note for the month of October:

Kennedy started basketball...I'll be busy now through December.

Lizzy now hates band and is dreading her concert tonight because she...wait for it...has to put on a skirt.

I've taken enough antibiotics this month to kill a small Trojan horse. Bactrim, Macrobid, some medicine that starts with a P, that made my pee turn pretty colors. Pain was involved here people...the doctor used the word "raging" in my diagnosis. Aren't you glad I share?

Got called an asshole a few different times. I think it's the word of the month.

Went back to Portland for a visit, missed Portland terribly, and was sad for a week.

Developed an addiction for these:

and have proceeded to eat an entire box in two days.

Forgot to pay my house insurance...heh.

Decided on a ninja for Kennedy's Halloween costume...pictures will come.

Ate three bags of candy already.

Gained 5 pounds....all in my ass.

Bought the new Xmas smells at Bath & Body...dude. The Winter Candy Apple. Seriously. I could lick myself. That sounded so wrong.

Started transferring all my old, old posts from Zed's Dead over here...yeesh, what a mess I was.

Wrote this post.

You see the excitement I'm faced with here people...Don't say I never gave you anything.

I better gear up for Thursday. I'm involved in that Nano blog post thing for the month of November. One post every day for the whole month. This could become the most boring blog on the face of the earth next month.

Ho-Hum

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Now playing: Zhane - Hey Mr Dj
via FoxyTunes

In The Wise Words Of Dennis Leary ...

2007-10-23T12:46:00.000-06:00

I'm an asshole.

No really I am. I just realized this. So don't say you haven't been fairly warned, should we be having a conversation and I begin to Asshole.

See! I'm such an asshole, I turn a noun into a verb.

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Now playing: Commodores - Nightshift
via FoxyTunes

Murphy's Law of Crap

2007-10-16T08:14:00.000-06:00

You know those weeks where no matter what you do, you end up eating a big ol' crap sammich? The weeks where despite your very best efforts, things go wrong, people dick you around, or you get hit in the head by a piece of the sky? Yeah, those weeks. That was the story of my life last week. Lemme sum this one up for you:

Tuesday: We got a new dog. The new dog tried to take a big ol' chunk out of my baby Gizmo, and has proceeded to make my life a living hell the entire week, peeing EVERYWHERE, howling all night long, being a general pain in my arse. Virtually nothing accomplished with work or the house.

Wednesday: Same story with the dog. We wanted to give him back to the shelter, cuz let's face it, as cute and sweet as he was at the shelter, he just isn't meshing with this clan. Shelter says they are going to charge me $30 to give him back. The fuck? This is the same shelter I just adopted him from the day before. Makes a ton of sense. Virtually nothing accomplished with work or the house squared.

Thursday: Find out that my car has a ginormous leak in the power steering hose thingie, and it likes to spew power steering fluid around every corner. Joy. Same story with the new dog. Virtually nothing accomplished with work or the house cubed.

Friday: General crappy day. Depressed feeling. No progress with the new dog. He's out to get me. I swear it. A little done with the house and work...but I have high hopes for the weekend.

Saturday: We plan to take the girls to the pumpkin patch to get their pumpkins. Find a cool one with a big corn maze, it says on their website that this a free attraction. YAY! Get out there, and find it's actually almost $20 a person to just walk through some mother effin corn. That doesn't include the cost of pumpkins. Fine. We find another one, same story. We got pumpkins at Walmart. That was fun though, we carved them up neat (pictures coming). The new dog wants to eat my face. Nothing accomplished with work or home. Again.

Sunday. Bitch at my regular coffee joint fucks up my order. Now normally this wouldn't be a big deal. I'd just drink my wrong coffee, and get over it. After the week of stress, and lots of stuff not even touched on in this post, I had enough. I drove the 10 minutes back to the coffee shop and let her know exactly where she could shove her mocha, and if she didn't make me another one with a smile this time, I would show her the meaning of Double Shot. The dog has accomplished his mission to drive me over the deep end. And he still wants to eat my face.

Monday: Minor things accomplished, but generally I stayed out of the publics way today. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Lather rinse repeat.

*whine*

Update: I tried to post this yesterday afternoon at about 4 and off and on until around 11 last night. Blogger was "unavailable". I give up.

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Now playing: Genesis - I Can't Dance
via FoxyTunes

Fuck Off Blender

2007-10-10T09:38:00.000-06:00

They are the equivalent of musical toilet paper. Sting?! The worst lyricist of all time? Give me a fucking break. Let me put aside the fact that I'm a loyal and devoted 20 year Sting/Police obsessed kind of gal. Put all that aside. Have you ever heard the song Fragile? Englishman in New York? Russians? Tea In The Sahara? Go back further to the Police...Canary In A Coal Mine? Synchronicity 1 & 2? Don't Stand So Close To Me? Yeah, those are definitely pieces of tripe. Mmmhmmm sure. You know who the worst lyricist of all time is? The guy/gal who wrote Hit Me Baby One More Time. There's your winner.

Find Sting boring...a lot of people do. Find him a conceited egomaniac. This is true. Find him a mediocre singer. But don't use him to top your list of the worst lyricists to sell your magazine. It's bullshit. Sting and Neal Peart from Rush were one and two. Come the hell on. Scott I-Find-Religion-Through-Hookers Stapp is number 3. Oh. My. God.

Monkeys compiled this list. That is the only explanation. And not just any monkeys. Those annoying little capuchin monkey's who squeel and hump your shoes and throw poo. Poo throwing Monkey Humpers are the only creatures who could think Sting was the worst lyricist ever.

Bite my ass, Blender.

Hard.

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Now playing: Genesis - Throwing It All Away
via FoxyTunes

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

2007-10-09T08:29:00.000-06:00

There is something so entirely erotic about a girl walking around in public with holey sweat pants on, her hair in a bun, no makeup on and a bag of dog shit in her hand. RAWR!

The only thing sexier than that, is when that girl gets home from walking her dog, with her holey sweat pants, bun hair and no makeup, and adds her glasses to the mix so she can start working.

Try to control yourself people.

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Now playing: Expose - I'll Never Get Over You
via FoxyTunes

Porno For Pyros Is A Stupid Name

2007-10-06T08:04:00.000-06:00

I just got to thinking...as you do, that there are a ton of really stupid ass band names out there. The name having no reflection on the music being produced, because I like some of the music. But dude, some of these names. Puddle of Mudd? Stupid. Smashing Pumpkins. Stupider. Porno For Pyros. Stupidest. What the hell? What was so wrong with Jane's Addiction. That was kind of a cool name.

The story goes that Perry Ferrell got the name while watching the LA riots on TV...and walking the dog. Beating his meat. Waxing his DeLorean. You know. wink wink nudge nudge. Because the logical reaction to a violent, horrific act of human defiance and anarchy playing out on the telly is to toss off. That's how they do it. "They" being the fucksticks in Porno For Pyros.

The stupidity doesn't just begin with the birth of the band. The name makes absolutely no friggin sense. Porno for Pyros. Wouldn't that be just like every other type of porn? I've seen my fair share of "Adult" movie sections and never once have I seen the Pyroporn catagory snuggled up with the Lesbian Nation or Chick With Dicks. They don't play well together. Don't get me wrong, if that's the way you roll. If you get off on watching people on fire or setting fires, or just by watching that cheesy Fireplace channel in cheap motels...hey, more power to ya. I just don't think there is a mass market appeal.

Now that I've said that, I'll probably end up eating my words when someone sends me a copy of Hot Flaming Coeds: Part 4...I'll just consider it an expansion of my Porno horizons. I would however think that the the aforementioned Porno for the Pyro would, in it's simplest form, and most convenient definition be just that. Setting Fires. And DVD's just don't play as well once soaked in lighter fluid.

But I do thank Perry for Lollapallooza. The freak.

Google should have a hay-day with this post. Heh.

So do tell, what do you think are some of the stupidest band names? I'm curious.

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Now playing: John Cougar Mellencamp - R.O.C.K In The U.S.A.
via FoxyTunes

Happy Halloween! Kinda.

2007-10-05T20:39:00.001-06:00

I needed to shine this place up for Halloween...I love Halloween! I think it's my favorite holiday. Scaring children is fun. That, and any holiday that makes it ok to eat 48 mini Baby Ruth's in one sitting...pure good.

Oh, and I've changed my URL...in case you didn't notice the new title. The old one will still work if you don't want to be a cool kid and have the new one.

http://www.ohwhatever.org

Ok, I'm getting off this computer now. My brain hurts.

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Now playing: Stevie Nicks - Talk To Me
via FoxyTunes

In The Wise Words Of Supertramp...Give A Little Bit

2007-10-04T19:10:00.000-06:00

I've had the busiest week...I'm so exhausted. We were out of town Saturday through Tuesday....then it's been nonstop worky work, trying to catch up. I need about a two day nap. But speaking of work, we've got some big news over at the Cafe. Being that this month is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we are donating $5 from every design (premade or custom) to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. This disease has had a personal effect on all of us in one way or the other. It's completely undiscriminating, and we are all at risk. The American Cancer Society predicts that 180, 510 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed this year and 40,910 people, both men and women, will die because of it. That's too many. One is too many.

We want to do what we can. We may not be donating thousands of dollars, but every dollar counts and with your help, we can improve the life of somebody who maybe otherwise couldn't afford that prescription, or the latest diagnostic test. Let's end this thing. Feel free to use one of our buttons on your site, there will be drawings at the end of the month for everybody who purchases a design, as well as those of you who just add our button to your sidebar, and let us know about it. Some very cool prizes are in the works. What better reason to treat yourself to that new design?

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Now playing: Lionel Richie - Say You, Say Me
via FoxyTunes

Winners!

2007-09-28T16:00:00.000-06:00

I've drawn the winner for the free design...but first, the answer to the trivia. The question was:

What 1991 music video did Johnny Depp appear in?

The answer was Into The Great Wide Open, by Tom Petty. Yay for Cafegirl who got it right. She's the trivia goddess for this week.

And now for the good stuff. I wrote everybody's name on pieces of paper who participated and drew the winners at random. If you answered more than once, your name was added more than once. There is strength in numbers. I also decided...because I am feeling so wonderful and giving today, that I would draw two winners. Shocked? You really shouldn't be. I'm not as mean as everybody says. So without further ado, the winners are:

and

Congrats Mr. Crazy and Spaceface. You two are genuinely deserving, and two of my most favorite bloggers in the whole wide Earth. Keep an eye out for an email from me sometime today or tomorrow with all the details.

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Now playing: 2 Pac - I Get Around
via FoxyTunes

Trivia Thursday 4

2007-09-27T09:26:00.001-06:00

Ok, this might be the last one of these unless you guys want me to keep it up. I enjoy my reindeer games, anyway...maybe I'll keep it up just to amuse myself. I'll draw the winner of the free design tomorrow, so this is your last chance to enter. Here is your question for this week...and because I'm such a swell chick, I've made it a fairly easy one.

What 1991 music video did Johnny Depp appear in?

The answer will be posted tomorrow. Good luck!

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Now playing: Glass Tiger - Someday
via FoxyTunes

I Know All There Is To Know About The Crying Game

2007-09-26T10:14:00.000-06:00

After getting over the 24 hour flu from hell yesterday and feeling pretty good today after catching up on all my email, I decided to go for a short walk. I'm grateful to just be sitting upright and not horking up all my innerds today. It's a good day for a walk, thought I. Sure! I'll walk, that'll perk me right up. Seize the day and all that. The sun is shining, it's not to damn cold, I have comfy shoes and I need some fresh air...the walk will do me good, thought I.

A walking I go.

I make it two blocks from my front door and Super Bum walks by me with this toothy grin smelling of a combination of Night Train and swiss cheese, undresses me with his eyes, like I'm the first piece of meat he's seen since 'Nam and wants to jump on this and hump whatever limb happens to pass his way...

And I feel like laying in the tub, curled up in a ball with the hot water washing all the dirty away.

Great idea, Mia...go for a walk.

I'll never learn.

Babyface - Whip Appeal

It's THIS Big

2007-09-24T13:42:00.000-06:00

I have a headache that is quickly turning into the envy of all headaches. It's a three part headache. I think part one would be that I'm slightly OD'ing on caffeine. I've had no less than nine Diet Cokes, and three cups of coffee today. Yup, I'm working on replacing all the fluids in my body with carmelized water and fresh ground goodness.

The second part would be that I've drank all of this said caffeine on an empty stomach. I go through days like that where I just plain don't feel hungry...until like three in the afternoon and by then it's too late for lunch, and too early for dinner and then I've just gotta wait it out...and consume mass quantities of Diet Coke. Three O' Clock sucks...it's always either too early or too late.

The last part has to do with the heat in here. It's just a little shy of nuclear fusion in the house. At one point the thermometer in my bathroom read 99. I turned on the heat a few hours ago and shut the door to warm it up in there, I had a ton of cleaning and general crap to do in there...I forgot to turn it off. I just remembered that situation and went back in to grab my CD's out so they don't implode and send shards of metal-y type CD stuff in my skull when I get in there to clean the toilet later, sat on the heater vent by accident, and burnt what I think was my ass, it was hard to tell through my one good eye that isn't pounding through the socket...but I definitely smelled a burny flesh kind of thing.

Ow. owowowowowowowowowowow. Ow.

I want brownies.

Marc Jacobs Is On Crack

2007-09-23T07:26:00.000-06:00

No, seriously. He is on nuclear crack. I'm no fashionista, and I'm certainly no shoe snob, hell, I feel glamorous if I go with my Vans instead of my Birkenstocks. But these things are ridiculous, no? Backwards heel...pssshaw. Heels are hard enough to walk in...or at least they are for me, if it's anything higher than a quarter, I fall flat on my face. It's all part of my elegant grace. These shoes leave so many unanswered questions!

Who is gonna wear these things? How do you balance? What happens when the heel falls off these things? Are you just left with the anti-heel? Why does it have a disco ball on the toe and a ballet shoe in the back? Is it the equivalent of a reversed shoe mullet? Party in the front, business in the back...it's a Shoellet. Is this going to spur another backwards clothes trend like the early 90's? Are Kris Kross making another wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wack album? Are podiatrists getting a cut of sales? Cuz dude, these things are going to make their patient roster's spike. Did the House of Jacobs make a boo-boo and now their trying to blow it off like it was intentional?

So. Confused.

I hate fashion.

Aerosmith - What It Takes

What's The One Song?

2007-09-22T07:49:00.000-06:00

I just got woken up on my one day to sleep in by my hubs calling me from work. I pick up the phone in a halfway awake state, somewhere between panic and dude, leave me alone. The convo went something like this:

Nerdly: Hey! What is this song! We can't figure it out:

(Proceeds to put his phone up to the speaker)

Me: What the hell?

Speaker: psskshhhhhhhhhhttttttWOWOWOWOWpskshhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt.

Nerdly: Yeah! What is that song?

Me: Oh. My. God. Let me hear it again.

Speaker: psskshhhhhhhhhhttttttWOWOWOWOWpskshhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt.

Nerdly: It's by that one band that you like.

Me: Brilliant. The Wow Wowwww Wowwwwwww song?

Nerdly: Yeah.

Me: Alice In Chains Man In The Box.

Nerdly: YEAH! That's it. We bow down to your usless musical prowess. I have to work now.

Me: Dork.

Before we moved he would call me, or someone else from his job would call me with the same questions. What's that one song, where the guy yells all the time? What's that one song, came out about 25 years ago with the chick who died? Who sang that song about the cat year? The weirdest shit. Weirder still....I always knew the answer. I became the go-to music guru. He used to work nights though...and he used to work with fairly normal people being in retail management. Now? Now he works in computers, which is awesome, but if I start getting calls from all the Tech Geeks wanting to know about a Moby song, or if Shatner ever did a cover of an Enya tune...and at 7:30 in the morning. I'm gonna hurt somebody.

Trivia Thursday 3 Winners

2007-09-21T13:06:00.000-06:00

We have a winner this week...woo! The question from yesterday was:

What is the most requested radio song of all time?

The answer was Every Breath You Take by The Police...Blonde Blogger got the right answer except she said it was by Sting...which I am willing to overlook, cuz I realize not everybody is the rabid Sting fan that I am. Even though those people make me sad, and a part of me dies whenever anyone confuses the Police with Sting. I can look past that, and just see that Blonde Blogger is the trivia goddess for the week.

And speaking of The Blonde One...she just won a killer purse and shows pictures over on her blog. I want it. Someone go swipe it for me while she's not looking.

No I jest...stealing is wrong.

Really.

What's a bitch gotta do to get her hands on a free striped watermelon doohickey purse?!

Eric Clapton - I've Got A Rock N' Roll Heart

Trivia Thursday 3

2007-09-20T08:50:00.000-06:00

Regardless of how many people enter, I figured I might as well finish this month out with the trivia since I have a freebie design promised. Woo Free Stuff! Here's the gist again...you answer the trivia in my comments, if you're right or even if you're not, just for entering, I'll put you in the drawing for a free design by me to be done at the end of the month. Get it? Got It? Good. Here's your question for the week:

What is officially the most requested radio song of all time?

Good luck! I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Air Supply - Here I Am (I rock so hard, no?)

Random Randomness

2007-09-18T08:32:00.000-06:00

New design here. I do love my Q movies. I've done Pulp Fiction (with Zed of course) and now, four years later, Kill Bill...next time, sometime in 2011, I'm thinking Jackie Brown. Heh.

How long will hamburger last in the fridge if you don't have any ziplock bags to keep it in, so it's just sitting in the styrofoam thingie, sandwiched between two plates?

Canned spinach is the work of satan.

If I have one more sip of Diet Coke this morning, I'm going to crack a kidney.

And finally...I'm not getting a ton of people playing along with my little trivia game...it's such a pain in the arse switching blogs. Ugh. Anywho, I've decided to just include everybody who humored me and played along...even if they didn't get the answer right. And if suddenly a billion people start playing, I may regret this. The answer to last weeks question was "Jokes". The word included in the most internet searches was Jokes. Although sex would have been my first guess. The list of people in the running for a free design are:

Spaceface
A Blonde Blogger
Cafegirl & Mommy
Trenting
Jenna Glatzer

Thus concludes this mornings retardation.

ZZ Top - TV Dinners

Next Stop? Karmaville, Bitch.

2007-09-17T12:14:00.000-06:00

I usually try to avoid talking about any of the hot topics...Politcs, Religion, etc etc. This blog isn't really the place for that type of stuff, and there are MANY other bloggers out there way more qualified to write about such things. I'm just a chick with an obsession for pop culture and an overinflated sense of self who likes to write a bunch of bullshit to keep herself occupied. But with all the OJ goings on in the past few days, it started me thinking about the book, and all those feelings from October 1995 are coming back. The anger mainly, but a lot of curiosity is in there. I like to look at EVERY situation from both sides of the coin. With politics, I'm a liberal democrat...but I can also see a lot of validity in things the Nazi Republicans (i.e. my hubs) say. With religion I'm a Rigid Agnostic...but I've read the Bible several times, and have very deliberate opinions and can see why people would want to follow a religion. I can see the OJ case in both ways as well. Do I think he did it. You bet your sweet ass...but there is a part of me that wonders...IF, and it's a HUGE IF, he didn't do it, then what is the real story?

I've wanted to read the book since I first heard about it months ago. I was torn though. I didn't want to contribute to his wellbeing, in any way shape or form. I wasn't going to buy the book, I was going to check it out at the library, but I was committed to reading it. Because that part of me wanted to see the other side of the coin. Then I saw the Goldman's on the Today show Friday, and learned all about the book being part of a Bankruptcy deal, and the judge ordering it monetized, and regardless of if the Goldman's published it, it was going to get out there. So they went ahead with it. The proceeds going to the Ron Goldman fund. I changed my mind and ordered the book today from Amazon.

I'm about 99% certain that the Juice is a sociopathic freak of nature, and that he is guilty as sin. But what if? We'll never know for sure, because he's been spinning this shit since he was cowered in the back of a Bronco. He didn't do it. Kato did it. It was racism. The police were out to get him...the police did a shoddy job. Now? Now "Charlie" did it. The glove still doesn't fit.

I find this whole Armed Robbery thing just deserts. It makes me think of Al Capone...the guy ordered and probably carried out dozens murders, and ended up getting sent up for Tax Evasion. If OJ murdered Nicole & Ron, and gets sent up shitcreek for stealing back his own sports memoribillia? Well, if that isn't karma biting him squarely in his ass, I don't know what is. He best just hope the prosecutor let's him plead out and take a lower sentence with a bench trial. Ain't no jury in this country that wouldn't be chomping at the bit to be the people that FINALLY sent OJ to jail.

On a related note, did any of you see the Fox News coverage before the press conference yesterday afternoon? Did anyone else snicker when they saw that one of their legal experts discussing the case was Mark Fuhrman?

We all reap what we sew. I think OJ is has a lot of reaping coming his way. At least I think that's what they're calling it in prison now.

BUZZZZZZZRRRRWAAAAAAAAAA

2007-09-15T07:46:00.000-06:00

That's the sound I've been woken up with for the past three days. I'm about to go postal on these people around here. Six AM, and they are out there using a power saw. What the hell are they cutting down that is of such importance that it can't wait until the afternoon? I don't see any trees at risk of falling on people, there aren't any construction projects going on...the fuck?!

I'm not a morning person to begin with. I don't do well if I can't wake up on my own terms. I especially don't do well if I wake up thinking Jason is in my bedroom. I need time...I need to let my eyes adjust to the light, I don't like having my eyes snap open from sheer terror. I need time to let my brain adjust to the fact that I'm awake and not in happy happy dreamland...my brain doesn't like it when it thinks it has to come out of fluffy cloud dreams to protect itself from a psycho killer with a buzz saw. Top all that off with the hispanic dumbfucks having conversations that involve phrases like "chupe leche del pene"...which with my very limited knowledge of spanish I think means something like eat my milky penis, and I only know this because they have said it about fifty two gabillion times....

I'm going to hurt somebody tomorrow morning if this happens again. It's about to become a full fledged Grand Theft Auto Rampage around here.

Pointer Sisters - Should I Do It

Trivia Thursday 2

2007-09-13T20:06:00.000-06:00

I've got the cold from hell...I've barely been able to function all week outside of the bed. And not in a good way. My head is stuffy, my eyes burn, my stomach is wretching, every muscle in my body is sore, I'm fairly certain I coughed so much last night I saw my pancreas expell itself from my innerds...and I think my mood could not get any worse. In case you missed the instructions from last week, here's the recap:

You post your answers to the trivia question in the comments. And if you guess it right, I'll enter you in a drawing for a freebie design by me given away at the end of the month. If I get enough peeps doing this again, I'll keep a list over thar on the sidebar showing who's in the drawing and who won the previous weeks. Got it?
Here's your question for this week:

What word gets typed most during internet searches?

I'll post the answer tomorrow (maybe Saturday depending on how I feel), and hopefully have the running list up in my sidebar for all the winners...right now? I'm going to try to melt this flu thing off me in the tub.

*whine*

Wedding Story

2007-09-10T12:34:00.000-06:00

I hate this show. They are forever showing repeats of it on TLC. Hate it. I hate big weddings. I've never even been to a big wedding. Shocking, I know. But I haven't. I've been invited, and I buy the present, and congratulate the happy little couple, but I never go. It seems like it's all for show. More for the family, than the couple getting hitched.

The idea of spending a billion dollars on dresses and cake and decorators, tuxes, flowers, food, etc etc etc just makes absolutely no sense to me. I got married at the courthouse, and it was perfect. It seems to be the norm for the womens to want the big fairy tale wedding. Especially when I'm watching these shows. Bridezilla. Dude. I never wanted to be that girl. I never ever wanted to look like a giant cupcake, I didn't want everybody and their dog fussing over my hair and "my how gorgeous she looks"...I never wanted to have to worry about getting my shoes dyed just the right shade of puke pink, or picking out the perfect little finger sammiches in the shape of hearts and angels. And I certainly NEVER wanted to invite all those people all for the chance to play the my girl-penis is bigger than your girl-penis game.

I think I'm going to hork if I watch one more second of this show. All the crying, and touching family moments, and emotional toasts, and future plans about children and their perfect home in the suburbs...

Must. Turn. Channel.

I'm weak.

Sunday...Or As I Like To Call It...Memeday!

2007-09-09T15:50:00.000-06:00

I'm beginning to hate the word "Meme", but the blog world is so damn slow on the weekends, why waste the good stuff? Know what I mean, Verne?

Ok so, If my life was a movie...what would the soundtrack be?

So, here's how it's gonna work:
1. Open your music (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc). Yes, all of it.
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...

Opening Credits:
Taylor Dayne - I'll Be Your Shelter
(Ok...I'm supportive and stuff)

Waking Up:
Simon & Garfunkle - Mrs. Robinson
(BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Heh. Nothing like waking up to the sexy old lady next door)

First Day At School:
Selena - Dreaming Of You
(Hmmmmm. I guess this could deal with my first crush in the first grade. If we're taking it back...wayyyyyyy back. His name was Tim. He was dreamy, in that snot nosed 6 year old way. I remember he was this little Lothario, he was always trying to hold my hand in the crayon box, and get my dress to fly up on the swings. He's probably a pimp now or something.)

Falling In Love:
Kiss - Rock & Roll All Night
(Damn straight)

Fight Song:
Arrested Development - Everyday People
(Not very "GRRRRR I'M SO ANGRY" is it? I've always been more of a lover anyway.)

Breaking Up:
Led Zepplin - Whole Lotta Love
(This is oxymoronic. No, this whole meme is ~~oxy~~moronic.)

Prom:
Led Zepplin - Dyer Maker
(I went to prom with a girl friend of mine...we got kicked out cuz we didn't have the proper "dates". Whatever. We were hot.)

Life:
Cliff Richard - Devil Woman
(It's like it knows me)

Mental Breakdown:
Stevie Wonder - Part Time Lover
( I have nothing to say to that.)

Driving:
Marvin Gaye - Got To Give It Up
(Good driving song...I can get my groove thang on to this little diddy. Most any Marvin Gaye song...except Let's Get It On, that's a whole different Groove. Did I just say diddy?)

Flashback:
Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway - The Closer I Get To You
(I hate this meme)

Wedding:
Marcy Playground - Sex & Candy
(No, I take that back. I love this meme. I should have made this my first dance. Nothing says romance like the smell of sex and candy)

Birth of Child:
Jennifer Warnes - Right Time Of The Night
(Both of my girls were born at night...kind of fitting I guess?)

Final Battle:
The Carpenters - Yesterday Once More
(That is one mother effin lame battle. Maybe I fight somebody with a wet noodle or something.)

Death Scene:
Terrance Trent D'arby - Wishing Well
(I do not want to die to Terrance. That would be one tragic death)

Funeral Song:
James Ingram - I Don't Have The Heart
(Sad song....sure. Not really appropriate for a funeral though. For future reference, I want Zepplin's Kashmir at my funeral.)

End Credit:
Huey Lewis & The News - Back In Time
(Kick ass. Do I get a DeLorean too? And a dog named Einstein?)

If anybody is so bored that they decide to self-flagellate and do this on their blog, lemme know in the comments. I gotta see.

Chiffons - He's So Fine

Trivia Thursday Winners #1

2007-09-08T10:38:00.000-06:00

Yup, I forgot to post the winners yesterday. Pretty par for the course, I get busy with trivial stuff like life, and working, and kids...and then forget the important stuff.like posting the trivia winners. Cest la vie. So here ya go, the questions was:

The three most valuable brand names on earth are Coca Cola, Budweiser, and what?

The answer was Marlboro. Coke, Bud and Marlboro. All the good stuff. Three people guessed right, so that starts us off with three people in the drawing for the new design. See how easy that was? I'll make a section in my sidebar to keep a running list of everyone in the drawing...maybe this afternoon...right now I feel like I'm coming down with something. I think these germs have legs. My head is stuffed, my eyes feel like marbles, and my stomach feels like it's doing the Pachanga.

Congrats winners!

Spaceface
Cafegirl
A Blonde Blogger

Keith Sweat - Make You Sweat

Trivia Thursday

2007-09-06T12:56:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I used to do this over on Zed, and then over on Ladybuggin.com, but I did it on Tuesdays, and it got a bit old, so I retired it. That being said, I'm a Useless Trivia Whore so I'm bringing Trivia Back. Like Justin Timberlake...only without the sex.

Here's the deal, you post your answers to the trivia question in the comments. And if you guess it right, I'll enter you in a drawing for a freebie design by me given away at the end of the month. If I get enough peeps doing this again, I'll keep a list over thar on the sidebar showing who's in the drawing and who won the previous weeks. Got it? K here ya go:

The three most valuable brand names on earth are Coca Cola, Budweiser, and what?

Spread the word about the contest if you know anyone who wants a new design. Free is a very good price.

The answer will be posted tomorrow.

Good Luck!

Thank Goodnes For W Blue Sky Lives

2007-09-05T08:40:00.000-06:00

I think I laughed so hard I peed a little watching these. If you have a spare 20 mins or so, and would love to waste it sitting here watching these...it's so well worth it. Absolutely, 100% not work or kid safe.

"Super Mario Is Frustrating"

Part One:

Part Two:

Who builds a castle like this?!

Friggin priceless.

Clean Asses and Pantyliners

2007-09-03T13:18:00.000-06:00

Something is perplexing me. Those wet wipe thingies...the toilet paper things. What the hell is that good for? I understand the wanting to be clean down there...but really, is this necessary? Are people really having that hard of a time making things shine down there? Maybe if you were camping or something? I dunno, but it's buggin me. And the commercials are just as eerie. Those people are just way too excited about ass wiping. I've never once been that excited about having a clean ass...sure it's a good thing, but not exactly something to celebrate, yanno?

Also, the panty liners for G-Strings? Seriously...if you're wearing a G-String at the same time as your needing a panty liner? Perhaps this wasn't the wisest fashion choice? Just my opinion.

I think I just sunk to a new blog low...I need something new to write about.

Walter Egan - Magnet and Steel

I'm Gonna Poke An Eye Out

2007-09-02T09:33:00.000-06:00

I wear glasses. I do. Not all the time, but occasionally, if I've sat my ass in front of this box for too long, or if I'm reading alot, I'll get headaches, and then they help. I'm wearing them now...I would think myself all Librarian Chic right now if it weren't for the fact that there is a big scratch on the left lens, and I keep swatting at an imaginary hair like thing floating in front of my face. I look like a total spaz with bad aim. Also, because of the imaginary hair, it's causing my right eye to go all crossed trying to find the elusive hair/scratch.

Perhaps it was my decision to clean my glasses with an old scratchy dish towel. I'm thinking that this wasn't the wisest of moves. I can only hope that crosseyed chicks who swat at imaginary things in front of their face will suddenly become very sexy.

Or, I could make an appointment with the eye doc to get some new glasses...but then I have to do that whole eye dialation thing...and that makes me look a whole different flavor of spastic. I could go when I take my daughter since her eyesite is getting so bad she needs the Readers Digest version of everything. It'll be a family affair.

Hot Chocolate - Every One's A Winner

I Warned You

2007-08-31T20:45:00.000-06:00

Remember back here, when I threatened you that if it didn't liven up around here I was gonna pull out the Right Stuff.

Maybe now you people will believe me. There are crickets up in this joint. Tumbleweeds. Lindsay Loweight's career.

Next time you won't be so lucky, next time I'm pulling out the Flock Of Seagulls. And then where will you be?

You'll be stuck wearing legwarmers and doing the cabbage patch.

So the question you need to ask yourself is: Do I want to be stuck wearing legwarmers and doing the cabbage patch to Flock Of Seagulls or do I want to comment and assure Mia that she is as awesome as she thinks she is, even if I don't mean it, even if it's just to fill her comment box, even if I really think she is a paranoid megatwat who immediately panics and thinks she broke her blog if there isn't a comment in six days...even if all that.

And the answer is no. Always no.

I mean yes.

Please? I have candy.

Did I break this thing?

Dear Monkey Fucker in the Blue Towncar,

2007-08-30T09:21:00.000-06:00

You're car is falling apart. We can all see that. Who the hell are you fooling? You've either blown out the shocks on the back end or your smuggling over immigrants from Guadalajara, cuz that piece of shit was scraping on the ground. You have four unmatching rims on your tires, the "blue" color looks more like a smurf exploded on a Lincoln, and as if I needed proof that you are a total waste of air, you had a license plate frame that looked like barbed wire.

Now that I have your attention, I just wanted to call you on a little mistake you made this morning. You seemed to be having a problem distinguishing between which lane was yours to use. I understand you pay taxes for both sides of the little white line...that does not mean you can use both sides at once. You have to pick and choose. Like you do with your Ho's...at least I'm assuming you pick and choose your Ho's, if your bumper sticker that said "Where's My Money Bitch" is any indication.

Another thing I was a bit confused about is your use of the gas pedal. It seems like you have either a mechanical issue with your fuel injection, or you are just a mindless fuck who can't distinguish between the short fat pedal on the left and the long skinny pedal on the right. Just because your car only operates in slow and stop, doesn't mean you get to sit at the red light and dick yourself for twenty minutes. Also, when after the 20 minutes of dicking I get impatient and I honk my horn at you to get you to move your Ho Wagon out of the way, you decide to stick your big fat hairy arm out the window to flip me the bird, make sure you use the right finger. I'm sure that in Stupid, they use the second finger, but here on Earth, we use the middle one. I'm not sure what you were trying to tell me with the use of the second, perhaps we could discuss this on our next encounter.

Anyway, I just wanted to clear up those few things, I realize your a very busy man, what with the immigrant smuggling, and the ho's and the money collecting and all, but I just wanted to thank you for being a valued part of our community. I'm sure the property values will never be the same.

With all my contempt,
Princess Me

WTF Wednesday or The One Where I Talk Politics...And Beyonce

2007-08-29T08:22:00.000-06:00

Ok so, the "I'm Not Gay" Senator. Idaho senator Larry Craig (we're so proud). Ummmm right. He says that he didn't do anything wrong in that Minnesota bathroom. That his foot just happened to touch the other guys in the stall next to him...that he didn't travel halfway through the city with his pal Nancy McFancypants looking for the prime place to receive an illicit blowjob from a man who is not your wife. He's not gay. As in remember what happened to that guy in Jersey when he said he was gay? Not gay.

A few questions arise from this. First, how the hell do you just happen to touch another guys foot in the stall next to you....those stalls are like four feet wide, the dude would practically need to do the splits, and while Mr. Remember-I'm-Not-Gay probably has some sprite left in him, I don't think bathroom calisthenics are really in his arsenal.

Also, not one mention of resignation. Now I'm no pundit, but wouldn't it have been a smarter thing for the GOP to say, Look Mr. Remember-I'm-Not-Gay, you've done a swell job for us, up till now, but there is still another year left to your term, and while we have no problem with office shenanigans we'd prefer to get a new guy in the office who is better at hiding them from the general public. Isn't this going to give the democrats a leg up in the new election? Friggin republicans.

And finally, I would like to volunteer my services to his campaign should he stay in office...that press conference was a friggin mess...in case you missed it, it went something like this:

Mr. Remember-I'm-Not-Gay: I'm NOT GAY! AHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT GAY NOT GAY NOTGAY I LOVE MY WIFE NOT GAY! Oh and I'm innocent, and scurred!

Yeah that doesn't go over so well...If I were in charge of his speeches it would have gone something like this:

Mr. Remember-I'm-Not-Gay: I apologize for this fiasco...now what are we gonna do about Michael Vick?

DEFLECT DEFLECT DEFLECT!

In other news...Beyonce is coming to Idaho.

The fuck?

Bee Gees - Night Fever

Loa'a Poop?

2007-08-27T13:09:00.001-06:00

So, this morning after dropping Liz off at her middle school, Kennedy and I are waiting in line at the stop sign. It's a long line, so we're usually sitting there for at least 5 minutes. I usually spend these few minutes catching up with the child, finding out what she dreamed about the night before, what she's looking forward to in school that day, checking in on what happened on the latest Suite Life...general catching up. I cherish this time with the kid, it's some of the rare minutes during the day when it's just me and her with no distractions. That is the normal morning. That wasn't this morning. This morning went something like this:

Kennedy: Mooooooom look that sign wants to know if we have poop!
Me: The hell?
Kennedy: BWAHAHAHAHAHA*SNORT*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*SNORT*
Me: Dude, what are you talking about? Poop? Who wants to know if we have to poop?
Kennedy: No, not if we have TO poop, if we HAVE poop.
Me: Sure, I see the distinction. Now, what the holyhell are you talking about?
Kennedy: That sign! It's talking about poop

I spend the next minute looking around frantically to get a glimpse of the poop sign before it's our turn to go through the stop sign.

Me: I don't see any poop sign, Kennedy.
Kennedy: No look, on that van...it's says "Got Poooooey"!

I notice the van in front of us with license plates from Hawaii. The bumper sticker said "Got Poi?"

Me: (holding back my laughter) Kennedy that's a food in Hawaii. Poi.
Kennedy: The people in Hawaii eat poop?

And so it goes...

Like I said, I cherish these moments.

No Doubt - Just A Girl

Weekend Bullets!

2007-08-26T16:39:00.000-06:00

Busy busy weekend. I'm pooped. I've gotten absolutely no work done since Friday morning, but I have had oodles of family time, which was needed. I'm so pooped that I don't want to write a regular post, so you get a bunch of random weekend revelations in nifty bulleted list format. Exciting, no?

Yesterday we decided to take the girls to an old ghost town outside Boise. Tons of fun, lots of photo's added in my flickr, feel free to browse through those. We even got one of those groovy old time photo's of the girls in period costumes. Kennedy wanted to be an "outlaw", Lizzy was just appalled by my making her participate in something so horrific.

My husband got stung by a bee while we were in Idaho City, and he was certain that his leg was going to fall off.
I got this in my netflix. I'm gearing up for a night of mature television.
Honey Roasted cashews are my new favorite thing.
I've decided my favorite Lionel Richie song is Running With The Night.
I've got laundry everest piling up in my laundry room. Ugh
And for a little shameless self promotion...It's almost the end of the month, and that means my $29 blog redesign sale is almost over. Email me if your interested in a new design, or go here to take a look at my premade designs being offered. That $29 includes the installation and work hours.

And now....I'm off to do something productive. Like eat cashews and watch Strongbad. Hope you all had as good a weekend as I did! I promise I'll put some effort into a post tomorrow.

Luniz - I Got 5 On It

A-HA!

2007-08-24T11:26:00.000-06:00

So, I'm just sitting here talking to her in Yahoo and balancing my checkbook...the doorbell rings. I hop out of the chair and run through the entire house to get to the door with my foot entirely asleep. And while doing so, I managed to run into the wall and shove a ballpoint pen into my leg producing blood.. Thus causing me to use a string of very colorful obscenities including the word "Pig-Fucker" very loudly, while I limped my ass to the door to come face to face with two mormons who quickly decided I was Satan reincarnate, handed me a pamphlet on how to find my salvation and ran to their bikes.

So that's how you do it!

Dr. Hook - Cover Of The Rolling Stone

First Day Of School N' Stuff

2007-08-23T10:02:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day of school. I'm a bit at a loss for words. Too quiet. I've discovered I can't function in my entirety without kids screaming and yelling and stomping and fighting and tv's blaring and Panic At The Disco rattling my eardrums and and and....what was I saying? Oh right...you get pictures today.

Starting with last night...this is my new friend Charolette. She lives in the tree in my front yard. Charolette is bigger than my dog. Charolette everybody. Everybody Charolette.

And the sky last night was the most amazing shade of pinky orange. I immediately thought of Vanilla Sky.

This morning was a little more than hectic...pants that were too big and too small all at the same time, because in seventh grade "noooooooothing fitssssssssssssss", and shoes that weren't comfortable because in fourth grade you need to wear your shoes "for at least a month before you can play soccer" and we all know that's the important thing...breakfast's were scarfed in record time, nobody lost an eye...and the result is two kids who are too cool for school:

Doesn't her face just scream seventh grade? That bag she has I need to mention because it's an official Panic At The Disco bag...off the official site. I should have got it on a payment plan. WTF is with official merchandise these days. Dayum. The price of that thing made me Panic At My Checkbook.

My baby...fourth grade. A part of me weeps.

And finally...wise words from the desk of Mia and her Happy Bunny sign book...because maturity is my strong suit:

Dre - Let Me Ride

Highly Flammable

2007-08-22T11:20:00.000-06:00

I am pretty sure that my family, in a cooperative effort, is trying to kill me. This includes my dog. Every damn person in this house has gas that could peel paint. It seriously smells like something crawled into the walls and died. I swear to geezus. It started last night and there has been no reprieve. I was tempted to sleep in the living room last night, I was certain I was gonna wake up with curly hair. Good Gawd.

I have tried air freshener and lysol and even pouring some bleach, pretty much anything with a strong enough scent to cover the rancid gas floating around...nothing is working. I was going to light my loverly apple spice candle, but I'm afraid to spark a match, for fear that it will turn into a roman candle and melt my face off.

I just walked by my sweet, innocent puppy and he cut one, and I swear he was aiming it right for me. It was like hitting a wall of stink. Some big smelly shit brick wall. Oh. My. God.

I'm living in the bog of eternal stench right now.

On the bright side, I think I'll be able to save on electricity...with all the toxic gas floating around, things are bound to start glowing green.

Aren't you glad I shared?

Brandy - Best Friend

It's Irregardless

2007-08-21T10:42:00.000-06:00

When the hell did that become a word? I've been seeing it everywhere today. In people's comments, in blog posts, I swear I even heard someone on CNN say it. The fuck? It's annoying. And it's not a word. It's like saying "ironical". Or "intensive purposes" instead of "intents and purposes". You don't get any more accomplished by adding extra syllables onto your words...it just makes you sound like you left your special issue retard helmet at home.

Stop it.

Stop it now.

Or die. One or the other.

This has been a public service message from the Elitist Bitch Organization.

The Jacksons & Mick Jagger - State Of Shock

August 20th 1978

2007-08-20T12:29:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to me! Not only was 1978 a great year because it was the year that I was brought into things...it will also from here on out be known as the "Year Of Style"

The Bee Gee's Night Fever was the number one single of that year. Disco was king, Cocaine nosejobs were all the rage, and men in skin tight pants and turtlenecks were revving womens engines:

And speaking of engines...The Chrysler Cordoba was a big selling car...and seriously who could not be a chick magnet riding around in this thing! Imagine all the room in that thing! You could fit all of Studio 54 and Steve Rubell's ego in the backseat:

And Kim Bassinger modeled for the sewing pattern industry. Because nothing spells success like sewing patterns. And a big floppy hat.

As for me? I was chillin out in my hospital incubator thingie:

And smoking cigars:

And now? I'm off to get some work done, and then do absolutely nothing for the remainder of the afternoon. It's my birthday, it's cool like that.

Blogger Beta Can Parse My Ass

2007-08-17T19:45:00.000-06:00

After about 36 straight hours of coding my brain feels like lime jello. Ugh. I'm starting to write xml that looks like this:

{ variable name="fuckall"
description="suck it hard"
type="vomit"
default="#crap"
value="#dick" }

And if it wasn't for her calling me right now to remind me not to freak out over a stupid dumb shitty piece of flaming guano that is Blogger today...well I may have chucked this fuckbox out the window. I heart her. Hard.

And now...we meme. Thankya Ragdoll for giving me something that isn't code.

1. Your real name?

Mia. Really.

2.Your GaNgStA Name: (first 4 letters of real namE)
There aren't four letters in my blog name or my "real" name. Ummmmm Mia?

3. YOUR SPY NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Green Seal.....fear me.

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (ur middle name and street u live on)
Michele Arrowhead. I would so fit right in Genoa City...or Salem...or some soapy place.

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Grami....Grami? That isn't very intimidating. I must have come from Tatooine.

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)
Blue Diet Coke...Lamey Lamington.

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name)
Iamlvdn. Oh, what the fuck is that? Even the middle east uses vowels.

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents middle names)

Ann David. That's a good one. Can't get much more blah than that.

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Gizmo. Bwahahahahaha.

10. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (the name of your first pet & the name of the street you grew up on)
Roni Johns....I still say I have the BEST porn name eva! You are no competition for that one.

And now...I'm going to sleep, before I pass out on this desk.

Who Wants To Go With Me?

2007-08-16T08:12:00.000-06:00

Know where we're going? Leave your guesses in the comments and I'll post the answer tomorrow.

I'll even reward those brave enough to guess with an entry to win a free design by me, if you're on Blogger/Blogspot, or you can give it to somebody who is on Blogger if you aren't....I know what I'm doing...trust me.

Spandau Ballet - True

Women Are Like Apples...

2007-08-14T09:53:00.000-06:00

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men either don't see the good ones or don't want to reach for them because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. It takes a few bad apples before the men realize that the climb is INDEED worth it. When the brave gets to the top of the tree and finally scores one of the top apples they are indeed...amazing.

Now men, on the other hand... are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and its up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

What? I'm just sayin....

Michael McDonald - I Keep Forgettin

Have You Hugged Your Weiner Today?

2007-08-13T10:18:00.000-06:00

There is a plethora of dick in my life this week....and not in the good way. In an entirely disturbing, I need a shower kind of way. Yesterday, in what I thought was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, this homeless dude on the offramp was jerkin it. In a way that I'm sure was hazardous to his health. I've seen less violent wanking in John Holmes flicks. Dude was fierce, and thank the lawd my kids weren't in the car with me. And where the hell are the cops when you need one? Mr. Homeless Wank dude seriously needed to dry out.

Then this morning when I was going to put the mail in the box, this bum-ish looking guy goes walking by with his pants hanging halfway down his legs, like somebody had just interrupted him peeing on the train tracks, and he just happened to forget to pull up his smelly ass old guy pants. Dude looked right at me with this big ol toothy grin, completely oblivious to the fact that his wang was blowin in the wind.

Maybe I'm just really hot this week and the bums just can't help themselves. I have been known to have that effect on smelly old guys with Gin breath. It's a talent, really.

Frankie Valli - Grease

I'm A Jonathan Girl...

2007-08-11T09:39:00.000-06:00

What do you get when you mix a fairly successful actor of today, a couple of Jersey boys, a muscle head, an underage squeeler and one shy quiet type?

Heaven.

Ok, maybe not heaven but it definitely was to me at my daughters age (11/12). It blows my mind the kind of music she listens to. She's into the Panic At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, and AFI's. The girl get's all weak in the knees when you mention Pete Wentz. What the hell? I don't have a problem with the music itself...not long after growing out of my boy band age, I was listening to Metallica and Pantera, but not at 12. Not at my daughters age. Or was I? I guess I'm not so sure of the age I lost that NKOTB innocence, but my daughter seems so young. Is this a forecasting of her teen years? Will she be one of those brooding, depressed, always wearing dark colors, dating boys on skateboards with their underwear showing and a chain holding their wallet? Will she write sad poetry about the color black, tear drops, and lost love? Will she not want to come out of her room for years, and loose her desire to give me hugs and kisses every time she sees me? Will she come to realize I'm not cool anymore? So many questions.

I played this video for her the other day and she almost died of horror. She couldn't believe that I would or could ever have been so lame as to like a boy band, and worse than that, the first "real" boy band. She cursed them for making way for Backstreet and N*sync...told me how stupid the music was, how winy their voices were and how Pete could beat up my beloved Jonathan.....

Fine, maybe I'm lame...and weak for caving to my boy band obsession. Maybe so. New Kids were the shit back in the day, and definitely part of my childhood soundtrack. If you had asked me ten years ago if I ever listened to New Kids, I would have laughed you out of my house, so I could hide my Hangin' Tough CD. I was in the closet. But now, at almost 30, I think it's safe to admit my uncoolness, my deep seeded crush on Jonathan Knight (not to be confused with Jordan Knight, I hated Jordan), and my curiosity over Donny Wahlberg in a Public Enemy shirt. The hell?

And yes, this is from my own collection...yes, there is more where this came from, and yes if it doesn't liven up around here I'm gonna hafta pull out The Right Stuff.

Oh oh ohohoh.

Mono?

2007-08-09T09:46:00.000-06:00

I think that I had 24 hour mono. Is that possible? If it is possible, that's definitely what I had. I've slept about 18 of the last 24 hours. Tuesday night I went to bed about 9, slept until 8 yesterday morning, had to be over at my mothers to wait for the repair guy, was back home by 10, asleep by 10:30 on the couch...napped until 2, back up to make dinner, talked to the man for awhile, back asleep at 6 slept until about 9, asleep for good for the night at 10, and woke up this morning at 9. Holy shit. That takes some skill. I don't think I've slept that long over a 24 hour period since I was pregnant. Don't even go there, it's not possible.

I think I was probably fighting off a bug of some sort. I felt kind of crappy on Tuesday, and then yesterday with all the sleeping, and the general yuckiness feeling. I think all my sleep performed a once over on whatever bug was trying to get at me. That'll teach it.

Ok, I'm even boring myself now...off to catch up on all the work I slept through yesterday.

Billy Idol - Hot In The City

Neighborly Love Hate

2007-08-07T11:13:00.000-06:00

We live in a nice little neighborhood. On the average day I don't have too much to complain about, regarding my living situation. Sure, I'd like a bigger place with a hot tub, and a mailbox in the shape of a duck...but then who doesn't? We do have our average everyday annoyances, bratty kids, loud people who don't speak english screaming at each other at 2 am, guys that look like the Bushwackers screaming for their pit bulls and the occasional freak from the 7-11 down the street. But on the whole I can't complain too much.

That being said, lately there have been a lot of things going on around here that need to stop. The mowing of the yards and using power saws at the asscrack of dawn. Why? There are 24 hours in the day, and alot of them occur between 10 am and 6 pm. There is nothing like waking up to the WHIRRING sound of drills, saws and lawn mowers first thing in the morning. Yeah, I love it. That needs to stop, mmmmk thanks.

Also, the christmas lights. Please take them down. I don't like to be reminded of the holidays in August. Please? I'm no scrooge, but it's time. Let them go.

Stop letting your dog shit on my porch.

Bratty asshole kids who like to come knocking on my door at 7 motherfuggin am on a Tuesday to see if my girls can play. No they can't play at 7 am. They like to be clean and fed before they play. And they don't like you anyway, you smelly peanut butter faced midget. Go home.

Yeah, I'm done now.

Billy Joel - I Go To Extremes

Back Dat Ass Up

2007-08-06T10:45:00.000-06:00

I don't understand clubbing. Especially at my age. I have some friends who go to the clubs every damn weekend. Some of them have kids. Not that there is anything wrong with getting your drink on when your a parent, do whatcha do and all that....but every weekend? And at the "club"? That's what inspired this post, I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who told me all about her club hopping over the weekend. She's 35.

*blank stare*

I have NEVER in all my almost 29 years understood the allure of clubs. Is that even what they are called anymore? Who knows, they probably have some cool new name. It used to be that people went out to a Bar...then Club...now it's probably something entirely different. I dunno, I'm just not that cool.

But back to what I was saying, I've been to one club in my entire life. I was 18, and that was all I ever needed to convince me that it was not my bag. They are like gangster/dork meeting grounds. No thanks. And every guy in the joint thinks that they are the hottest thing eva...doing that whole pointing ass shaking move straight out of an R. Kelly video. 9 out of 10 guys in the joint looked like one of three:

Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles

Milhouse from The Simpsons.

Or Ashtray from Don't Be A Menace To South Central...

I'm whiter than Elmer's Glue and I could do a more convincing booty dance.

There was a point to this post....

Oh yeah, I was gonna ask, do any of you go to clubs and if so, what the hell is the attraction?

Mmmmmk Thanks.

Huey Lewis & The News - If This Is It

Explain This To Me

2007-08-05T13:46:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I have no patience with most anything. I don't like to wait at a restaurant, if there is a line at the gas station, I will drive right on by even if I'm almost on empty. If there are lines at the store, I will switch lanes 102 times until I find the "shortest" line....I have no patience when I help my girls with their homework (yes, I'm working on it), I usually end up putting myself in timeout a few times...and when my hubby goes to run an errand for me, and it takes him longer than half an hour, I can feel my blood pressure raise.

So why is it that I will wait 18 minutes for a god damn Iced Mocha from Starbucks? I swear they lace those things with smack, there is no other explanation for my behavior. Eighteen farkin minutes, people! I could have roasted the beans myself in that amount of time.

Mmmmmmm Mocha.

Culture Club - Miss You Blind

It's Better Than A Shank To The Head

2007-08-04T09:37:00.001-06:00

Some people are getting all in a huff about this. Personally, I think it's awesome. Imagine the discipline it took, the camaraderie between all the inmates. I'm sure they felt a serious sense of accomplishment after getting this whole routine down. And the way I see it, the time it takes to learn something like this was time not spent butt looting in the showers, and stabbing people with plastic forks.

Inmates of Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in Philippines performing the Thriller dance.

Happy Saturday people...it's a good thing.

Let's Go Outside

2007-08-03T09:38:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of living in secrecy. I'm not going to hide it anymore.

I love George Michael.

I do. I love the man...and I'm shakin my groove thang to him right now...

"I think I'm done with the sofa. I think I'm done with the hall. I think I'm done with the kitchen table baaaabaaaay...."

Rebirth Of Slick

2007-08-02T10:05:00.000-06:00

That's my husbands new nickname for me...Slick. For so many reasons. Let's take a little yearly review in Mia's clutziness, shall we?

1. About a year and a half ago, I managed to poison myself by eating windex laced meat. Yup, I cleaned the counters, sprayed all around my dinner, and thought I was gonna die. Stupid I know.
2. I broke the pinkie toe on my left foot by stubbing it against the wall. And just so you know this pain was unbelievable.
3. Next week, I broke my tailbone by falling. And I thought the toe hurt.
4. Week after breaking my ass, I break the pinkie toe on my right foot by stubbing it against the curb at the store.
5. Fast forward a couple months, to January of this year and I almost cut my finger off. Gross, pain, omg...but it's healing quite nicely, aside from the nasty scar.

Then yesterday, I decided to go ahead and finish up the bathroom remodeling. I'm so close to being done, and excited to be able to put all the finishing touches on the wall. One of the last things to be done is to scrape off all this black glue-y stuff left on the wall from when my mirror fell off and shattered into a billion pieces, and what better way to get that off the wall then a big ol box knife. Right? RIGHT?

Yeah, not so much.

I slid that knife right into my hand and made a puncture wound and cut so deep the blade was completely buried in my hand. I was seeing meat people. That's twice now I've been able to see into my own hand. It looks alot better today though, after the two stitches, but it's beginning to hurt a bit from all the typing.

That would be my cue to exit this box.

Slick Out.

Pulp Muppets

2007-08-01T11:04:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought that my beloved Pulp Fiction couldn't get any more perfect...I see it done with Muppets.

Also starring Eric Stoltz. Waka Waka.

Thanks Franci.

Peachy

2007-07-31T13:19:00.000-06:00

I've decided that I hate anything that smells like peach. I bought this new peachy smelling lotion...it smelled good in the bottle. But now? Everytime I move, I smell like a Georgia landfill.

That paints a pretty picture.

I don't smell nearly as good as the bottle. I hate you peach lotion.

Other smells I hate include banana anything, rose anything, black licorice and Dr. Pepper.

In other news, in honor of my 29th birthday in August, I'm offering a special over at the Blog Cafe. If you order any design from me (premade or custom) you get the whole design package (installation included) for $29. Good deal, eh? Now stop jumping for joy and go here and shine up your blog. Oh, and she's got some goodies goin too...

I am so very interesting today.

Andy Gibb - (Our Love) Don't Throw It All Away

Where's My Cooth?

2007-07-30T09:10:00.000-06:00

I wish I was more girly. I wish I liked to wear pink every day, and could put on a dress without getting the dry heaves. I wish I enjoyed messing with my hair and makeup all the time, and that heels didn't make me fall flat on my face. I don't wish these things every day...but I have my moments, like now. I'm just not very girly.

I wear jeans and a T-shirt pretty much every day of my life...my hair is straight and all one length, so I only have to wash it and brush it every day...makeup is almost a foreign language to me. I wear lip gloss and some mascara, and that happens maybe once a week.

My mother used to always tell me when I was a kid that I had "no cooth"...I still don't know what cooth is, but I spose it has something to do with my saying I've gotta take a leak instead of I've gotta use the restroom....and my ability (with enough Diet Coke) to belch the alphabet forwards and backwards....maybe it's because I have no problem picking a wedgie or adjusting my bra in front of other people, I don't understand the whole idea of being uncomfortable for the benefit of others. Or it could be as simple as me not wanting to be like all those vapid airheads wandering the streets masquerading as "women".

I hate girlie movies...I don't like Cameron Diaz, she reminds me of the Joker from Batman...And aside from hell week, I can't stand chick flicks. Most of the Hollywod guys that girls get the vapors over, don't usually do much for me. For future reference, Brad Pitt looks like a troll. I don't really like to cuddle or be touched more than necessary. I don't like getting hugs and kisses every other second...my girls are the exception to the rule. I'm all about the personal bubble BS.

Perhaps mom was right.

Don't get me wrong, I do have some girly tendencies. I do like to look nice and dress up every once in a while...I enjoy being swept off my feet for my wedding anniversary, I love it when my husband brings me flowers, and yes, if the time is right, I do still tear up over Dirty Dancing...but on the whole, I'm just not very feminine.

Maybe it's just like my mother said...perhaps I lack cooth. Whatever that may be. Or maybe I just have no class. I dunno...but I like me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a leak.

Chris Rea - I Can Hear Your Heartbeat

Good Morning!

2007-07-28T07:52:00.000-06:00

I'm in a good mood today. I don't even feel like being cranky! Shocking I know, since I thought yesterday was the beginning of hell week. Turns out I was just bitchy. WOO! I've got so much to do today, and I'm not even pouting about it. Grocery shopping, trip to the gas station, finish painting my bathroom, dishes, laundry, dinner to make, cleaning out my car, etc etc etc. I'm even kind of looking forward to it. I may even do something selfish and all about me later as a thank-you to me for being in such a great mood...good movie, hot bath, pink toe nails...

Ok, now I'm too perky.

Earth, Wind & Fire - Boogie Wonderland

Raging Bull....crap

2007-07-27T16:23:00.000-06:00

I have it bad. It's official. Raging PMS has reared it's ugly head, and good god damn it's a doozy. Things that normally don't bother me today, are eating at me. I'm taking everything anybody says the wrong way, I'm getting all pissy with my kids over the smallest things, and I really want to watch Terms of Endearment, but I think people would laugh at me and that would just make me even more emotional than I already am.

I don't feel like anything I'm doing is good enough, I can't get through the laundry fast enough, the dishes are piling up and my bedroom looks like a Frathouse had it's way with it. All the designs I make are ugly and this god damn computer can eat a big bowl of dick.

SEE?!

Why can't PMS bring you good feelings? Why is it all about the bad. Dude, we already give birth because of it...can't we at least feel a little better once we've put in our episiotomy dues? Being on the rag should make your skin have that beach-y glow, and your hair supermodel shiny, or at least make you loose a few pounds. Ugh.

I'm done today. Before somebody get's hurt.

Now that my husbands home and can watch the kids for a bit, I'm going to go lock myself in the bedroom and watch ~~Terms of Endearment~~ my brand spankin new Sleepaway Camp trilogy that came from Amazon today.

And I'm doing it in my fat pants.

Led Zepplin - Goin To California

Sex and Willy Wonka

2007-07-27T07:58:00.000-06:00

I'm having the strangest dreams lately. Well, I've always had strange dreams...someday I'll tell you about my disembodied whistling Elvis head dream....but that's not this post. THIS post is about my dream from last night. I should says dreams...plural. Cuz I had a couple and as the night wore on they just got more strange.

The first one was about sex. At least I think it was a sexing dream. It was one of those flashing dreams, where you only remember bits and pieces, but I remember Sting was there, and we were in an abandoned warehouse, like in the Demolition Man video, and he kept singing People Are Strange (by the Doors) to me. Oh, and he was naked.

Gimme a minute.

Ok, I'm good now...so my next dream, I was trapped in this elevator of doom with a bunch of Oompa Loompa's from Willy Wonka. Not the new Oompa Loompa's, the old ones from the original movie. Anyway, so we're trapped in this elevator, that goes upways and downways and slantways...up and out all that jazz. Except the elevator was made out of styrofoam. Yeah. So anyway, we were about to head up and out through this metal roof that resembled the Iron Maiden with all the pokey things of death, and I was certain I was a gonner, until the Oompa Loompa's started singing something about the world spinning and flowers and rainbows, one of them kissed my feet and told me that the birds were coming, and then I woke up....

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

Def Leppard - Back In Black

Dear Rihanna,

2007-07-26T11:43:00.000-06:00

You suck.

Like, Alot.

They apparently like you whole bunches out here in the sticks, cuz I can't get away from you. Every damn radio station, every other effin minute. Who knew that hicks wanted to stand under your Umbrella.

Please go away. I hear Barbados is very nice this time of year.

With bleeding ears,
Princess Me

P.S.
You spelled your name wrong.

P.S.S.
Beyonce wants her act back.

P.S.S.S.
You smell funny.

Ram Jam - Black Betty

Dirty Little Secret

2007-07-25T10:54:00.000-06:00

I have one. And it's a doozy. Ready for this? I am a technophobe. I am. Big time. I'm a web designer who is afraid of technology. I am an enigma. Seriously, I don't have any of these things:

1. Cellphone
2. Ipod (or any MP3 device) - I've never even seen one outside of the packaging in a store.
3. Laptop
4. Blackberry, iPhone, or any of those personal do it all deals

I feel better getting all that out there. I just hate all that crap. And I'm not ashamed of it anymore. There was a time when I would pretend to know all about those things. No more. I don't prefer to have a tech-leash attached to me at all times. I don't WANT people to be able to reach me at any time of the day. I don't NEED to have eleventy million songs at the touch of my finger....and I already have a computer, why would I go spend another eight trillion dollars for a laptop? Sure, it would be nice to not have to sit in the computer chair of death while I type...but really, it's just one more device that would make my head hurt, and cause me to cuss.

So there, it's out.

My name is Mia...and I'm technology impaired.

Now if you'll excuse me my checkbook needs balancing and that abacus aint gonna use itself.

CJ Mac - Gangsta Bitch (shut up)